Shark Music

Shark Music

I have mentioned several times in this blog,  the training I have received in The Circle of Security Parenting Program, as well as the book, The Circle of Security Intervention by Powell, Cooper Hoffman and Marvin, 2014.

One of the most powerful concepts in Circle of Security is that of “shark music”. Basically this is the experience of a caregiver being triggered by her child. It is responding to a safe need that the child is expressing as though it were dangerous. 

In the DVD video clip a scene is shown with music of a trail to an ocean beach. It looks like a beautiful peaceful scene, like a place you could walk and feel serene and comfortable. The camera follows the path down to the beach and we see the glorious Pacific ocean while the music from Pachebel’s Canon (sweet, calm, classical music) plays in the background. Then the same exact video clip is played, except this time it is the music from the movie Jaws. As we follow the camera down to the beach, we have a sense of impending doom; like something terrible, terrifying is about to happen. It is quite a difference. Then we are told that the background music we play in our heads determines our state of mind when responding to our child’s needs. If our child’s need creates a sense of terrifying danger in us, we will not be able to respond in a way that meets our child’s need. We call this “shark music” playing in our heads.

Why does this happen? “We do unto others as we’re done to.”(Selma Fraiberg, 1980) The parenting we received colors/influences our reactions and responses to our children’s needs.

A baby begins to cry and fuss. The mother feels rejected, helpless and triggered. She tells the child to stop crying in a harsh tone, which makes the baby cry even more. The mother becomes dysregulated/upset. She wants the child to calm down to take care of her own need to not feel rejected. By gentle inquiry into the mother’s response, we discover that she was rejected by her mother when she expressed need for comfort. This baby’s mother unconsciously fears her child’s need for comfort, because when she expressed it, she was punished or reprimanded. She learned to shut that need down and now is trying to teach her baby to do the same thing.....at a great cost to the baby. When we can uncover the reason for these automatic responses, we can then have more awareness of our behavior and hopefully we can allow ourselves to choose to respond differently. 

In my practice I have taught this concept to many parents. Some even use “my shark music is going off” as code to the other parent for “I can’t handle this right now, can you please take over for a few minutes while I collect myself?” Parents tell me this is so helpful and non shaming. Each gets the other’s alarm and distress and can help by coming in to meet the child’s need in an appropriate way.

I was at my friend’s house when his little boy was having a melt down in the kitchen. The father was cooking dinner and the boy was hungry, protesting that he didn’t like what the father was cooking. He was crying at his father’s feet with his arms around his father’s ankles, making it impossible for him to move without potentially stepping on his son. Food was sizzling on the stove. He yelled to me, saying, “Can you come in here and get Joey? I can’t deal with him right now!” Of course, I went in and picked Joey up and brought him to another room holding him and comforting him. Fortunately, he was able to be distracted and soothed, and we had a wonderful dinner together soon after that.

These are the examples I heard just this week regarding parents experiencing shark music:

*siblings fighting and screaming in the back seat of the car while parent is driving in stressful traffic

*19 year old daughter face times her mother while daughter is drinking vodka from a bottle and walking down the middle of the street in traffic

*21 year old daughter tells her mother if mother really loved her, she would pay her $1100. roaming fees

*teen steals parent’s credit card info and parent discovers $800. charges from an internet website

*parent who lost a sibling to traffic accident discovers her son with autism and poor balance, riding his scooter through the neighborhood without permission

In each of these it is difficult to see what the child needs from the parent who is so upset and triggered.  And it is hard not to respond in a shaming, punitive way. All of these parents did get a handle on their shark music, given some time and reflection, and were able to repair their connection with their child. 

The driving parent was able to acknowledge that he used a mean voice with the children and that he scared them. He acknowledged that they were hungry and hot and tired. They really needed him to pull off the road and give them some food and water and regroup. He promised to do that next time.

The mother realized her daughter had just had a traumatizing event and daughter did not know what else to do except try to numb herself and then do something really scary to get her mother’s attention. When the mother calmed her shark music down, she was able to get help for the daughter and then they had a heart to heart talk repairing their connection.

After the mother of the 21 year old got over her furor with her daughter’s sense of entitlement, she addressed the issue of love with her daughter.  She described how love was also teaching her daughter to be fiscally responsible.

The mother so frightened for her son’s safety realized she needed to be able to tolerate her anxiety so her son would be able to discuss his need for independence without getting a non compromising “NO”.

In my own experience, having a child with special needs in and of itself set off my shark music. Was it my fault, could I “make” her ‘look’ neurotypical, how could I explain this to my parents and family? Would they accept her? My shark music was going much of the time in those early years. When we have neuro-atypical children, it can be very challenging to see what our child’s need is apart from what is socially acceptable. My child needed to sleep in my bed until she was 5. I discouraged this at first, hearing my mother’s voice telling me I was spoiling her. I dutifully put her back in her own bed twice a night. After reflecting on this, I finally “got” that she really needed to sleep with her father and me. And so it was....no more struggle. It was my shark music coming from my mother who shunned any “neediness” on my part that kept me shoving her away. We need to find a way to acknowledge our shark music, put it aside, and tend to our child’s needs. And if we can’t do it in the moment, we can repair it soon thereafter.

As always, I invite you to share your stories of shark music with me in the comments section of the blog. 

And again, as always, bless each and every one of you for all you do for your children.

They may not be able to thank you or appreciate the difficult and awesome job you are

doing, but I want to acknowledge your love and your willingness to reflect in making your relationship with your child meaningful and connected.