Self Compassion

Self Compassion

We talked about self compassion in our Mom’s group this week and it brought a lot of emotions up for me. So I thought I would write about it and see if it touches a chord with anyone else.

I’ve learned about self compassion from Kristen Neff, Brenee Brown and Oprah, to mention a few resources. (You can google their names and self compassion....many youtube videos will come up). I’ll give you my interpretation of it. Self compassion is loving and caring for yourself the way you would for a dear friend. It is having unconditional understanding and empathy for yourself. 

Why is this so difficult? Why does it not come naturally for us? Why do we have to learn it? Why does it seem foreign to us? 

For me, I think I confused it with narcissism, selfishness, or even pride which was one of those seven deadly sins in the Catholic church. It seemed counter intuitive. When something “bad” happens, like a car accident, or a child melting down in a store, or a bounced check, or someone screaming at you, shouldn’t you feel shame and and want to hide? Shouldn’t you “take responsibility” for your part and beat your breast with mea culpas? OMG this could last for days or longer. Shouldn’t you beg for forgiveness and say how “bad/wrong” you were?

And then there is our culture of shame and wish for punishment/revenge. Our culture wants to make poor people feel like it is their fault for living in poverty. Isn’t this the land of opportunity? NOT. Our culture makes victims of crime like rape or domestic violence or racial inequality feel shame. Our culture makes parents of children with Special Needs who act out when over stimulated or act inappropriately in public situations feel shame. How sad this is. Sometimes this feeling of shame can last for years: sadly, even a lifetime.

Most of us were not treated with compassion as children when we did wrong, or when we were needy and alone. How could we develop self compassion if it was not shown to us? 

When was the last time you felt understood/cared for by being shamed and blamed? And did that admonishment make you feel like you wanted to do the “right” thing? Often parents shame their children when they lie, thinking it will help correct this behavior. But usually what happens is they lie more, because they feel shame for their behavior and can not stand more shaming.

I remember telling my daughter that if she did something wrong and told me the truth about it, she would get a “small” consequence. But if she lied about it, she would get a much bigger consequence. I had this conversation with her, on our way to Kaiser where I needed to run in and pick up some meds. She was about 9 and wanted to stay in the car by herself. I locked her in and told her to stay there. When I came back, she was in the back seat and had obviously been in and out of the car. I asked her what she had done. She thought about it and asked me if it was true that if she told the truth there would only be a small consequence. I assured her, yes I would keep my word. So she told me she had had to go to the bathroom and got out of the car and peed in the parking lot because she didn’t dare to leave the car to go in to the clinic. She had just gotten back in when I arrived. I understood she was trying to do what I said by not “leaving the car”, but she was in a bind and had to pee. I was not thrilled that she peed in the parking lot, but I got her dilemma. I could have shamed her and told her to never pee outside in public like that. But I chose not to and she escaped a consequence. We eventually developed an ethic of trust and openness. No shame, no blame.

So when it comes to ourselves, how do we have self compassion?  Kristen Neff recommends wrapping our arms around ourselves, or holding our own hands, or putting our hands over our heart. Physical touch is so comforting. She says, “we can be soothing with ourselves, saying that this is a tough situation. So difficult. Oooooouuuuu, sweetie, this is hard”. We can comfort ourselves the way we would a child or best friend. We would never tell a friend that she is irresponsible and stupid to bounce a check or to have gotten into a fender bender. Why would we speak to ourselves that way?

I was lucky in a way to know that God loved/loves me unconditionally (one of the few, but important benefits of Catholicism). When I learned about self compassion, I tried to embody God speaking to me.  S/he was all loving, all knowing, all understanding and compassionate. That’s how I found my own self compassion.

As mothers of children with Special Needs we need to find that self compassionate voice.... either someone you know, imagine, or make up. It is essential to healthy functioning when we live in this critical culture. And I believe, the more self compassion we have, the more we will attract people with like minds. And the better able we will be to give this to our children, who so need it. Living with Special Needs as a child or parent is daunting in our culture. Please check out self compassion on YouTube and practice it daily.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Much love and compassion to each and every one of you.

Father’s Day

I want to acknowledge Father’s Day and the importance of Fathers in their children’s lives. I know I write this blog primarily for mothers, since I am a mother and feel I have the most to offer from that perspective. But, I also work with many fathers in my practice, have good friends who are fathers, and value the contribution and input of my daughter’s father in her life.

I took a training in the early 2000’s with John Gottman from Seattle based on his book “And Baby Makes 3”. It was a training to work with new parents helping them adjust to the new configuration of adding a baby into their lives and into their relationship dynamic. John does an excellent job of describing the value of father love and father input, especially helping mothers see the value of Dad in their children’s lives. Some of it made me ashamed of what I had ignorantly done in the first year of my daughter’s life with me and her Dad. I did not know that it was dismissive of him for me to come home from the store after he had bathed and dressed her, only to immediately change her outfit to one I thought was cuter, more coordinated, and just “looked better” on her. I often took her from his arms when she was crying, assuming I could soothe her better....not trusting that they could find their way. I thought mother love was “superior” to father love. Fortunately, I could see their love for each other grow, and I knew even though she preferred me when she was upset, that she also loved and enjoyed her Dad very much. Going away from them on a vacation with my girlfriend for a weekend to Santa Cruz when she was 3, was hard for me; but it did them a world of good and I could see their bond was strong and healthy.  Today they have an awesome relationship and will be spending the day together. 

Mothers sometimes undermine fathers’ relationships with their children. Father love is different. Fathers tend to be more playful, more rough and tumble, more exciting. They can cheer their child on to climb to the top of the slide, while mothers can be holding their breath afraid it is too dangerous for the child.Fathers can teach their children to skateboard, ski, ride a bike, dive, surf, play sports...all of which will help them conquer their fears and develop their self confidence. Children can pick up on subtle put downs of the father by the mother (this can also go the other way, too.....fathers putting mothers down). A simple rolling of the eyes, or disgusted sigh can give clues to the child that the mother is not liking what the Dad is doing. Children can pick up on this and sometimes follow suit colluding with the mother in keeping the father out. Of course, this is not helpful to the child and may even be confusing and damaging. It is imperative that we as mothers allow our children to form their own special unique attachment and connection to their father. It takes restraint on our part not to taint the relationship water with our disapproval or need to make the other parent bad. Even if we don’t like how the other parents, it is essential not to air this in front of the children. Parenting differences need to be addressed privately or with a parenting therapist.

Research (by Joan Kelly, PhD et. al. )has shown that children who have caring father involvement get better grades in school, are better able to emotionally regulate themselves, show more warmth and acceptance toward a second born sibling, have better peer relationships, are more sociable as infants, and have fewer behavioral problems, solve problems better over their lifetime, have more satisfying adult relationships and cope and adapt better to difficult life situations.

The newer research is impacting custody plans by increasing the father’s involvement with his children to a 50/50 percent ratio with mother and father’s time considered as equally important and valuable. 

The first doll house play scenario my daughter enacted in my office showed her and the Dad sitting together watching the news in the living room. I asked her where the Mom was, and she said, “She’s at work”. Aaaaah, that was painful for me, but it was then that I realized I could work with clients until 6 or 7 and she was safe at home with her Dad, not needing to be in a daycare situation. She learned to identify all the instruments in any piece of jazz music from her father, she learned the constellations in the sky from her father, she learned about plants and and flowers from her father. I could go on and on, but the point is she learned a great deal from her father’s gifts, and continues to do so. 

So to all you Dads, Happy Father’ Day. I hope you feel appreciated for all you do.

Shark Music

Shark Music

I have mentioned several times in this blog,  the training I have received in The Circle of Security Parenting Program, as well as the book, The Circle of Security Intervention by Powell, Cooper Hoffman and Marvin, 2014.

One of the most powerful concepts in Circle of Security is that of “shark music”. Basically this is the experience of a caregiver being triggered by her child. It is responding to a safe need that the child is expressing as though it were dangerous. 

In the DVD video clip a scene is shown with music of a trail to an ocean beach. It looks like a beautiful peaceful scene, like a place you could walk and feel serene and comfortable. The camera follows the path down to the beach and we see the glorious Pacific ocean while the music from Pachebel’s Canon (sweet, calm, classical music) plays in the background. Then the same exact video clip is played, except this time it is the music from the movie Jaws. As we follow the camera down to the beach, we have a sense of impending doom; like something terrible, terrifying is about to happen. It is quite a difference. Then we are told that the background music we play in our heads determines our state of mind when responding to our child’s needs. If our child’s need creates a sense of terrifying danger in us, we will not be able to respond in a way that meets our child’s need. We call this “shark music” playing in our heads.

Why does this happen? “We do unto others as we’re done to.”(Selma Fraiberg, 1980) The parenting we received colors/influences our reactions and responses to our children’s needs.

A baby begins to cry and fuss. The mother feels rejected, helpless and triggered. She tells the child to stop crying in a harsh tone, which makes the baby cry even more. The mother becomes dysregulated/upset. She wants the child to calm down to take care of her own need to not feel rejected. By gentle inquiry into the mother’s response, we discover that she was rejected by her mother when she expressed need for comfort. This baby’s mother unconsciously fears her child’s need for comfort, because when she expressed it, she was punished or reprimanded. She learned to shut that need down and now is trying to teach her baby to do the same thing.....at a great cost to the baby. When we can uncover the reason for these automatic responses, we can then have more awareness of our behavior and hopefully we can allow ourselves to choose to respond differently. 

In my practice I have taught this concept to many parents. Some even use “my shark music is going off” as code to the other parent for “I can’t handle this right now, can you please take over for a few minutes while I collect myself?” Parents tell me this is so helpful and non shaming. Each gets the other’s alarm and distress and can help by coming in to meet the child’s need in an appropriate way.

I was at my friend’s house when his little boy was having a melt down in the kitchen. The father was cooking dinner and the boy was hungry, protesting that he didn’t like what the father was cooking. He was crying at his father’s feet with his arms around his father’s ankles, making it impossible for him to move without potentially stepping on his son. Food was sizzling on the stove. He yelled to me, saying, “Can you come in here and get Joey? I can’t deal with him right now!” Of course, I went in and picked Joey up and brought him to another room holding him and comforting him. Fortunately, he was able to be distracted and soothed, and we had a wonderful dinner together soon after that.

These are the examples I heard just this week regarding parents experiencing shark music:

*siblings fighting and screaming in the back seat of the car while parent is driving in stressful traffic

*19 year old daughter face times her mother while daughter is drinking vodka from a bottle and walking down the middle of the street in traffic

*21 year old daughter tells her mother if mother really loved her, she would pay her $1100. roaming fees

*teen steals parent’s credit card info and parent discovers $800. charges from an internet website

*parent who lost a sibling to traffic accident discovers her son with autism and poor balance, riding his scooter through the neighborhood without permission

In each of these it is difficult to see what the child needs from the parent who is so upset and triggered.  And it is hard not to respond in a shaming, punitive way. All of these parents did get a handle on their shark music, given some time and reflection, and were able to repair their connection with their child. 

The driving parent was able to acknowledge that he used a mean voice with the children and that he scared them. He acknowledged that they were hungry and hot and tired. They really needed him to pull off the road and give them some food and water and regroup. He promised to do that next time.

The mother realized her daughter had just had a traumatizing event and daughter did not know what else to do except try to numb herself and then do something really scary to get her mother’s attention. When the mother calmed her shark music down, she was able to get help for the daughter and then they had a heart to heart talk repairing their connection.

After the mother of the 21 year old got over her furor with her daughter’s sense of entitlement, she addressed the issue of love with her daughter.  She described how love was also teaching her daughter to be fiscally responsible.

The mother so frightened for her son’s safety realized she needed to be able to tolerate her anxiety so her son would be able to discuss his need for independence without getting a non compromising “NO”.

In my own experience, having a child with special needs in and of itself set off my shark music. Was it my fault, could I “make” her ‘look’ neurotypical, how could I explain this to my parents and family? Would they accept her? My shark music was going much of the time in those early years. When we have neuro-atypical children, it can be very challenging to see what our child’s need is apart from what is socially acceptable. My child needed to sleep in my bed until she was 5. I discouraged this at first, hearing my mother’s voice telling me I was spoiling her. I dutifully put her back in her own bed twice a night. After reflecting on this, I finally “got” that she really needed to sleep with her father and me. And so it was....no more struggle. It was my shark music coming from my mother who shunned any “neediness” on my part that kept me shoving her away. We need to find a way to acknowledge our shark music, put it aside, and tend to our child’s needs. And if we can’t do it in the moment, we can repair it soon thereafter.

As always, I invite you to share your stories of shark music with me in the comments section of the blog. 

And again, as always, bless each and every one of you for all you do for your children.

They may not be able to thank you or appreciate the difficult and awesome job you are

doing, but I want to acknowledge your love and your willingness to reflect in making your relationship with your child meaningful and connected.