What Is Your Sensitivity?

In my Circle of Security Parent Intervention training, we learned about “Core Parent  Sensitivity”. I am going to explain it to you here in my own words. Just to be clear, this blog is not speaking for the Circle of Security. These are my words influenced by the concepts I’ve learned in the training and the book, Circle of Security Intervention by Powell, Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin.

The 3 sensitivities are Separation Sensitive, Esteem Sensitive and Safety Sensitive. To determine these, usually a trained person does the Circle of Security Interview called the COSI (pronounced cozy) and then analyzes it. But, here, I am just going to give some hallmarks of each. Remember that we ALL have some of each of these, however, usually we are oriented by one more than the other two.

The Separation Sensitive person seeks proximity in relationship. Closeness is primary. They hear Shark Music (danger) when closeness is threatened in some way. In extreme cases there can be a lot of drama. Sometimes these people can even become/act helpless to maintain closeness. They focus on whether or not they are being loved enough.

Esteem Sensitive parents focus on achievement, success, being the best in relationship. Sometimes they see their child as Special, Unique, The Best. Esteem Sensitive people want to do it right. They want to be good and recognized that way.

They focus on how others see them. They want their children to succeed and achieve.

Safety Sensitive people are wary of too much closeness, but fear the abyss of isolation and loneliness. Their mantra is not too close and not too far away. They can feel engulfed or smothered by close feelings; and yet they can fear that the cost of this fear will make them destined to live a life in loneliness. They focus on having children that are self-sufficient.

I think I am an Esteem Sensitive parent, although I had strong Separation Sensitive issues. Having a child with Asperger’s who needed space and alone time was agony for me in her teen years. Thank Goodness for therapy that helped me deal with my separation anxiety from my parents and realize my child was not rejecting me....it was not about me....it was about her needs. I always knew she loved me, it was just the rejection of being let in to her world, her psychic world, that triggered me. I eventually realized I needed to respect her boundaries. What I wanted was more akin to enmeshment. Which my parents demanded from me.

But actually, I think I am Esteem Sensitive. Since she could read at 2 and a half, I loved teaching her. We connected around learning letters and words and writing stories to accompany her drawings. She was extremely verbal and I delighted in her witticisms. I probably over shared them because they were precious to me, but I think that was in compensation for having a child with some oddity. I made her “special” and “unique” and precocious to appease my self esteem. I hate acknowledging this because it sounds so shallow and self centered. Even writing this blog seems self centered. But I hope I am doing it to share with other parents things I have learned along the way to help them be more reflective about their parent child relationship. And one sensitivity is not “better” or “worse” than another. It is about noticing who we are and what we do in relationship.

Often people who are Esteem Sensitive need the remedy of more focus on relational feelings than on achievement. Since learning this I have tried to do this with my daughter and not ask so many questions about her grades or accomplishments. The other night she was feeling badly about the discrepancy between her illustration and painting skills. I tried to make her feel better, but she deflected all my compliments and accolades. So I decided to join with her around my sense of failure at one time in my life. I told her that a consultant had once told me after listening to an audio recording of a therapy session that I had done, that I was NOT doing therapy. I was crushed and devastated. There was a pause in our conversation......and then she said, “Well at least I am not messing with peoples’ heads :)”. We laughed. Things were more in perspective. So we connected....around feelings and laughter. Sweet!

Probably Separation Sensitive parents need to let their children explore a bit more and be able to go away or out with others without guilting them.

And Separation Sensitive parents need to go towards their child who seems so independent and self sufficient and give them a huge hug and tell them they love them.

Again, as always, I admire mothers doing the best they can, as we all are.  I hope this blog helps reflection which is key to being the best that we can be. 

Would love to hear from you.

The Difference Between Control and Influence

The Difference Between Control and Influence

Have we ever really had control over our children? Well, sure. When they were small and heading for the street, we could pick them up and bring them to safety. When they did not want to put on their seat belt, we strapped them in anyway. When they didn’t want to go to day care and we had to go to work, we dropped them off even if they were protesting. These were times when we were bigger and stronger, and hopefully we did it in a wise and kind way. But there was no real negotiation. Safety was not negotiable, and neither was going to work. 

We Mothers of Children With Special Needs have had to navigate the line between setting limits and understanding limitations. When a child with sensory issues has a melt down going to the overwhelming mall with its lights and loud people and peculiar smells, we can NOT “force” that child to “behave”. If anything, forcing/trying to control behavior will make it worse. 

When a child on the ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) has extraordinary anxiety about the night time and cannot soothe him/herself enough to go to sleep alone, it may take years to find the right combination of music, soft light, melatonin, herbal tea, guided imagery, and goodness knows what else to help this child feel safe enough to let go into the abyss of sleep......without a parent present. 

We’ve spent years coming to understand our children and learning how to help them navigate the world. They’ve needed our assistance in more ways and in different ways than a typical child would have needed. And sometimes we did need to “make” them do things like go to speech therapy and O.T. and play therapy to enable them to be more successful in the world. We did have to underscore social rules and cues because they were oblivious to them. We did have to interpret the world to them in many different ways. We may have gotten used to “telling them what to do” in a certain kind of way, because at that time it was necessary.

But what happens when they become teens and young adults. We no longer have control over them. All we have is influence. And influence is so much weightier when we have a good relationship with them. This is so much easier said than done, when they are teens, when they are individuating, when they are trying to be separate from us.

One positive story I remember with my son was when he came home from high school one day and told me there was hardly any one at school that day.....and none of his friends. I asked him why. He said they had all skipped school to go see the new Star Wars movie that came out that day, a Friday, at Noon.  (Who makes these movie opening decisions??) I asked him why he hadn’t asked me if he could skip school to go. He said because he knew what the answer would be. And you know what? He was probably right. I just don’t believe in skipping school for any reason and he had internalized that. I had “influenced” him....but I did still have some control. I could have grounded him or taken away privileges if I had found out.  But I didn’t have to exercise that control. Even though sometimes things were rough between us, my influence guided him.

Then a few weeks ago he called me on a Sunday night (he is now 26 and in college), to ask me what I thought about him skipping class the next day because he didn’t feel very well and could really use the time to catch up on some extra homework. I asked a few questions, like what would he be missing and what would the consequences be to his grade; but then I told him I thought he could make that decision himself. I had to trust his judgement. My control is non existent at this point. And you know what he said? “You really trust me, don’t you Mom?” That made me feel really good:).

Don’t get me wrong, there are still things he is doing that are not in alignment with my influence. But I am trusting that our relationship is more important than a clean apartment.

I see parents (including myself) who are so fearful that their older children are going to make the wrong choices. And maybe because these kids have some special needs, we think we need to tell them things over and over (read...try to control them).....like take a shower, take your meds, clean your apartment, be mindful with how you spend your money, don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke (pot or cigarettes), fill out your applications (for college, a job, for social security, etc), do your homework, and call your mother.  Now seriously, do you think for one second that your kid has not heard this 1000 times from you? Or more? Do you think you “forgot” to tell him/her this? Do you think they don’t KNOW this is your position already?  I know. It is like a compulsion with us. But I really think we have to back off and let them start making decisions on their own and trust that by doing so, we are improving our relationship with them and thereby allowing our influence to guide them. We have no real control.....only influence.

As always, I would love to hear your comments/feedback.

Bless all you wonderful mothers!! We are doing the best we can.

Do You Ever Miss Your Little One

Do You Ever Miss Your Little One?

I had the incredible privilege of attending a Circle of Security Training in Santa Fe, New Mexico for the last 2 weeks. I learned so much and hope I will put it to good use in my practice with parents and children.

I had an unexpected sleeper wave that surprised me and came over me suddenly. I saw a video montage of mothers/fathers enjoying their preschool children in various ways. One image was of a mother reading with her son, obviously sharing connected joy. I had this vivid memory of reading with my daughter when she was 3 or 4; and how much fun we had doing that. One time we read something funny and we laughed uncontrollably for about 5 or 10 minutes. We couldn’t stop laughing. When she stopped for a minute, then I would burst into giggles, and when I would stop, she would start laughing again. You know how that is? And then the next night, she said to me, “Mom, let’s laugh again like we did last night”. So sweet....not understanding how the moment of that hysterical laughter had passed. When I saw the training video montage, I just sobbed missing her and that sweet time of bliss. I think I should have had more children.

But you know, my daughter doesn’t like to hear my stories of her childhood. She told me she thought I focused too much on her young self and had trouble accepting her as an adult (now 26). She wanted me to get in the present with her. Who could blame her?

I’ve really made a concerted effort to not talk about her when she was a child....and if I feel compelled to do so, I ask.....if she would like to hear a dear story about herself. Most of the time the answer is “no”.

I found a great card for her in Santa F. It was of a girl about 8 or 9 bending over flasks and test tubes with a dropper in her hand. It said, “She was determined to find a cure for embarrassing mom syndrome”. Yes, she is embarrassed by my stories of her. I think she feels infantilized. I am really trying to see this from her point of view.

But what do we do with these feelings of grief over the loss of our child being our little one? I guess we just let the feelings wash over us, acknowledge our loving, fond memories, and allow ourselves a little time to cry and feel sad that that time has passed.

That’s what I did and it felt good to get hugs from my wonderful new friends and colleagues at the training.

Would love to hear sweet memories of joy you shared with your little one.