The Difference Between Control and Influence

The Difference Between Control and Influence

Have we ever really had control over our children? Well, sure. When they were small and heading for the street, we could pick them up and bring them to safety. When they did not want to put on their seat belt, we strapped them in anyway. When they didn’t want to go to day care and we had to go to work, we dropped them off even if they were protesting. These were times when we were bigger and stronger, and hopefully we did it in a wise and kind way. But there was no real negotiation. Safety was not negotiable, and neither was going to work. 

We Mothers of Children With Special Needs have had to navigate the line between setting limits and understanding limitations. When a child with sensory issues has a melt down going to the overwhelming mall with its lights and loud people and peculiar smells, we can NOT “force” that child to “behave”. If anything, forcing/trying to control behavior will make it worse. 

When a child on the ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) has extraordinary anxiety about the night time and cannot soothe him/herself enough to go to sleep alone, it may take years to find the right combination of music, soft light, melatonin, herbal tea, guided imagery, and goodness knows what else to help this child feel safe enough to let go into the abyss of sleep......without a parent present. 

We’ve spent years coming to understand our children and learning how to help them navigate the world. They’ve needed our assistance in more ways and in different ways than a typical child would have needed. And sometimes we did need to “make” them do things like go to speech therapy and O.T. and play therapy to enable them to be more successful in the world. We did have to underscore social rules and cues because they were oblivious to them. We did have to interpret the world to them in many different ways. We may have gotten used to “telling them what to do” in a certain kind of way, because at that time it was necessary.

But what happens when they become teens and young adults. We no longer have control over them. All we have is influence. And influence is so much weightier when we have a good relationship with them. This is so much easier said than done, when they are teens, when they are individuating, when they are trying to be separate from us.

One positive story I remember with my son was when he came home from high school one day and told me there was hardly any one at school that day.....and none of his friends. I asked him why. He said they had all skipped school to go see the new Star Wars movie that came out that day, a Friday, at Noon.  (Who makes these movie opening decisions??) I asked him why he hadn’t asked me if he could skip school to go. He said because he knew what the answer would be. And you know what? He was probably right. I just don’t believe in skipping school for any reason and he had internalized that. I had “influenced” him....but I did still have some control. I could have grounded him or taken away privileges if I had found out.  But I didn’t have to exercise that control. Even though sometimes things were rough between us, my influence guided him.

Then a few weeks ago he called me on a Sunday night (he is now 26 and in college), to ask me what I thought about him skipping class the next day because he didn’t feel very well and could really use the time to catch up on some extra homework. I asked a few questions, like what would he be missing and what would the consequences be to his grade; but then I told him I thought he could make that decision himself. I had to trust his judgement. My control is non existent at this point. And you know what he said? “You really trust me, don’t you Mom?” That made me feel really good:).

Don’t get me wrong, there are still things he is doing that are not in alignment with my influence. But I am trusting that our relationship is more important than a clean apartment.

I see parents (including myself) who are so fearful that their older children are going to make the wrong choices. And maybe because these kids have some special needs, we think we need to tell them things over and over (read...try to control them).....like take a shower, take your meds, clean your apartment, be mindful with how you spend your money, don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke (pot or cigarettes), fill out your applications (for college, a job, for social security, etc), do your homework, and call your mother.  Now seriously, do you think for one second that your kid has not heard this 1000 times from you? Or more? Do you think you “forgot” to tell him/her this? Do you think they don’t KNOW this is your position already?  I know. It is like a compulsion with us. But I really think we have to back off and let them start making decisions on their own and trust that by doing so, we are improving our relationship with them and thereby allowing our influence to guide them. We have no real control.....only influence.

As always, I would love to hear your comments/feedback.

Bless all you wonderful mothers!! We are doing the best we can.