The 3 sensitivities are Separation Sensitive, Esteem Sensitive and Safety Sensitive. To determine these, usually a trained person does the Circle of Security Interview called the COSI (pronounced cozy) and then analyzes it. But, here, I am just going to give some hallmarks of each. Remember that we ALL have some of each of these, however, usually we are oriented by one more than the other two.
The Separation Sensitive person seeks proximity in relationship. Closeness is primary. They hear Shark Music (danger) when closeness is threatened in some way. In extreme cases there can be a lot of drama. Sometimes these people can even become/act helpless to maintain closeness. They focus on whether or not they are being loved enough.
Esteem Sensitive parents focus on achievement, success, being the best in relationship. Sometimes they see their child as Special, Unique, The Best. Esteem Sensitive people want to do it right. They want to be good and recognized that way.
They focus on how others see them. They want their children to succeed and achieve.
Safety Sensitive people are wary of too much closeness, but fear the abyss of isolation and loneliness. Their mantra is not too close and not too far away. They can feel engulfed or smothered by close feelings; and yet they can fear that the cost of this fear will make them destined to live a life in loneliness. They focus on having children that are self-sufficient.
I think I am an Esteem Sensitive parent, although I had strong Separation Sensitive issues. Having a child with Asperger’s who needed space and alone time was agony for me in her teen years. Thank Goodness for therapy that helped me deal with my separation anxiety from my parents and realize my child was not rejecting me....it was not about me....it was about her needs. I always knew she loved me, it was just the rejection of being let in to her world, her psychic world, that triggered me. I eventually realized I needed to respect her boundaries. What I wanted was more akin to enmeshment. Which my parents demanded from me.
But actually, I think I am Esteem Sensitive. Since she could read at 2 and a half, I loved teaching her. We connected around learning letters and words and writing stories to accompany her drawings. She was extremely verbal and I delighted in her witticisms. I probably over shared them because they were precious to me, but I think that was in compensation for having a child with some oddity. I made her “special” and “unique” and precocious to appease my self esteem. I hate acknowledging this because it sounds so shallow and self centered. Even writing this blog seems self centered. But I hope I am doing it to share with other parents things I have learned along the way to help them be more reflective about their parent child relationship. And one sensitivity is not “better” or “worse” than another. It is about noticing who we are and what we do in relationship.
Often people who are Esteem Sensitive need the remedy of more focus on relational feelings than on achievement. Since learning this I have tried to do this with my daughter and not ask so many questions about her grades or accomplishments. The other night she was feeling badly about the discrepancy between her illustration and painting skills. I tried to make her feel better, but she deflected all my compliments and accolades. So I decided to join with her around my sense of failure at one time in my life. I told her that a consultant had once told me after listening to an audio recording of a therapy session that I had done, that I was NOT doing therapy. I was crushed and devastated. There was a pause in our conversation......and then she said, “Well at least I am not messing with peoples’ heads :)”. We laughed. Things were more in perspective. So we connected....around feelings and laughter. Sweet!
Probably Separation Sensitive parents need to let their children explore a bit more and be able to go away or out with others without guilting them.
And Separation Sensitive parents need to go towards their child who seems so independent and self sufficient and give them a huge hug and tell them they love them.
Again, as always, I admire mothers doing the best they can, as we all are. I hope this blog helps reflection which is key to being the best that we can be.
Would love to hear from you.
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