Self Compassion

Self Compassion

We talked about self compassion in our Mom’s group this week and it brought a lot of emotions up for me. So I thought I would write about it and see if it touches a chord with anyone else.

I’ve learned about self compassion from Kristen Neff, Brenee Brown and Oprah, to mention a few resources. (You can google their names and self compassion....many youtube videos will come up). I’ll give you my interpretation of it. Self compassion is loving and caring for yourself the way you would for a dear friend. It is having unconditional understanding and empathy for yourself. 

Why is this so difficult? Why does it not come naturally for us? Why do we have to learn it? Why does it seem foreign to us? 

For me, I think I confused it with narcissism, selfishness, or even pride which was one of those seven deadly sins in the Catholic church. It seemed counter intuitive. When something “bad” happens, like a car accident, or a child melting down in a store, or a bounced check, or someone screaming at you, shouldn’t you feel shame and and want to hide? Shouldn’t you “take responsibility” for your part and beat your breast with mea culpas? OMG this could last for days or longer. Shouldn’t you beg for forgiveness and say how “bad/wrong” you were?

And then there is our culture of shame and wish for punishment/revenge. Our culture wants to make poor people feel like it is their fault for living in poverty. Isn’t this the land of opportunity? NOT. Our culture makes victims of crime like rape or domestic violence or racial inequality feel shame. Our culture makes parents of children with Special Needs who act out when over stimulated or act inappropriately in public situations feel shame. How sad this is. Sometimes this feeling of shame can last for years: sadly, even a lifetime.

Most of us were not treated with compassion as children when we did wrong, or when we were needy and alone. How could we develop self compassion if it was not shown to us? 

When was the last time you felt understood/cared for by being shamed and blamed? And did that admonishment make you feel like you wanted to do the “right” thing? Often parents shame their children when they lie, thinking it will help correct this behavior. But usually what happens is they lie more, because they feel shame for their behavior and can not stand more shaming.

I remember telling my daughter that if she did something wrong and told me the truth about it, she would get a “small” consequence. But if she lied about it, she would get a much bigger consequence. I had this conversation with her, on our way to Kaiser where I needed to run in and pick up some meds. She was about 9 and wanted to stay in the car by herself. I locked her in and told her to stay there. When I came back, she was in the back seat and had obviously been in and out of the car. I asked her what she had done. She thought about it and asked me if it was true that if she told the truth there would only be a small consequence. I assured her, yes I would keep my word. So she told me she had had to go to the bathroom and got out of the car and peed in the parking lot because she didn’t dare to leave the car to go in to the clinic. She had just gotten back in when I arrived. I understood she was trying to do what I said by not “leaving the car”, but she was in a bind and had to pee. I was not thrilled that she peed in the parking lot, but I got her dilemma. I could have shamed her and told her to never pee outside in public like that. But I chose not to and she escaped a consequence. We eventually developed an ethic of trust and openness. No shame, no blame.

So when it comes to ourselves, how do we have self compassion?  Kristen Neff recommends wrapping our arms around ourselves, or holding our own hands, or putting our hands over our heart. Physical touch is so comforting. She says, “we can be soothing with ourselves, saying that this is a tough situation. So difficult. Oooooouuuuu, sweetie, this is hard”. We can comfort ourselves the way we would a child or best friend. We would never tell a friend that she is irresponsible and stupid to bounce a check or to have gotten into a fender bender. Why would we speak to ourselves that way?

I was lucky in a way to know that God loved/loves me unconditionally (one of the few, but important benefits of Catholicism). When I learned about self compassion, I tried to embody God speaking to me.  S/he was all loving, all knowing, all understanding and compassionate. That’s how I found my own self compassion.

As mothers of children with Special Needs we need to find that self compassionate voice.... either someone you know, imagine, or make up. It is essential to healthy functioning when we live in this critical culture. And I believe, the more self compassion we have, the more we will attract people with like minds. And the better able we will be to give this to our children, who so need it. Living with Special Needs as a child or parent is daunting in our culture. Please check out self compassion on YouTube and practice it daily.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Much love and compassion to each and every one of you.