Father’s Day

I want to acknowledge Father’s Day and the importance of Fathers in their children’s lives. I know I write this blog primarily for mothers, since I am a mother and feel I have the most to offer from that perspective. But, I also work with many fathers in my practice, have good friends who are fathers, and value the contribution and input of my daughter’s father in her life.

I took a training in the early 2000’s with John Gottman from Seattle based on his book “And Baby Makes 3”. It was a training to work with new parents helping them adjust to the new configuration of adding a baby into their lives and into their relationship dynamic. John does an excellent job of describing the value of father love and father input, especially helping mothers see the value of Dad in their children’s lives. Some of it made me ashamed of what I had ignorantly done in the first year of my daughter’s life with me and her Dad. I did not know that it was dismissive of him for me to come home from the store after he had bathed and dressed her, only to immediately change her outfit to one I thought was cuter, more coordinated, and just “looked better” on her. I often took her from his arms when she was crying, assuming I could soothe her better....not trusting that they could find their way. I thought mother love was “superior” to father love. Fortunately, I could see their love for each other grow, and I knew even though she preferred me when she was upset, that she also loved and enjoyed her Dad very much. Going away from them on a vacation with my girlfriend for a weekend to Santa Cruz when she was 3, was hard for me; but it did them a world of good and I could see their bond was strong and healthy.  Today they have an awesome relationship and will be spending the day together. 

Mothers sometimes undermine fathers’ relationships with their children. Father love is different. Fathers tend to be more playful, more rough and tumble, more exciting. They can cheer their child on to climb to the top of the slide, while mothers can be holding their breath afraid it is too dangerous for the child.Fathers can teach their children to skateboard, ski, ride a bike, dive, surf, play sports...all of which will help them conquer their fears and develop their self confidence. Children can pick up on subtle put downs of the father by the mother (this can also go the other way, too.....fathers putting mothers down). A simple rolling of the eyes, or disgusted sigh can give clues to the child that the mother is not liking what the Dad is doing. Children can pick up on this and sometimes follow suit colluding with the mother in keeping the father out. Of course, this is not helpful to the child and may even be confusing and damaging. It is imperative that we as mothers allow our children to form their own special unique attachment and connection to their father. It takes restraint on our part not to taint the relationship water with our disapproval or need to make the other parent bad. Even if we don’t like how the other parents, it is essential not to air this in front of the children. Parenting differences need to be addressed privately or with a parenting therapist.

Research (by Joan Kelly, PhD et. al. )has shown that children who have caring father involvement get better grades in school, are better able to emotionally regulate themselves, show more warmth and acceptance toward a second born sibling, have better peer relationships, are more sociable as infants, and have fewer behavioral problems, solve problems better over their lifetime, have more satisfying adult relationships and cope and adapt better to difficult life situations.

The newer research is impacting custody plans by increasing the father’s involvement with his children to a 50/50 percent ratio with mother and father’s time considered as equally important and valuable. 

The first doll house play scenario my daughter enacted in my office showed her and the Dad sitting together watching the news in the living room. I asked her where the Mom was, and she said, “She’s at work”. Aaaaah, that was painful for me, but it was then that I realized I could work with clients until 6 or 7 and she was safe at home with her Dad, not needing to be in a daycare situation. She learned to identify all the instruments in any piece of jazz music from her father, she learned the constellations in the sky from her father, she learned about plants and and flowers from her father. I could go on and on, but the point is she learned a great deal from her father’s gifts, and continues to do so. 

So to all you Dads, Happy Father’ Day. I hope you feel appreciated for all you do.