Summer Envy

Summer Envy

I read a piece in the NYT this morning http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/25/nyregion/sympathy-for-the-working-mother.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=0 called Summertime Sympathy for the Working Mother. It was basically about the envy/longing that working mothers (who will be at their out of the home job, all summer) feel toward Moms who can leave the City with their children for a month or more to go to the beach in Croatia or Maine or Cape Cod, or go to a family tennis camp for the month of August, or just spend the summer days being with their children on trips to San Francisco, Disneyland, or the San Juan Islands.

I remember feeling that way when my daughter was in all those camps the YMCA put on, “enriching” summer school programs, and swimming lessons. I had been hopeful that they would provide some sort of stimulation, fun and even creativity while simultaneously serving the main purpose of providing child care. I don’t think there was one program that she liked. And she came home from the first day of “enrichment summer school” saying dejectedly,  “ Mom, you won’t believe it. Recess is TWICE as long in summer school.” She hated recess, always; but even more so in the summer. It was hot. There was no structure provided. No games, no inside board games, no card games, no art, no one helping outside getting the kids involved with each other. She was ignored by most kids. She had to stay outside feeling alone, bored and uncomfortable. I marched down to the school and complained. Couldn’t they offer something for the kids who didn’t play on the bars, or play basketball? I was angry.

I acted outraged. But nothing changed. I felt horrible. I had to send my child to a place she hated, so I could work, when I would have loved to have stayed home with her... I think, or so I thought.

On the other hand, imagine being a stay at home Mom because you have a child/children with Special Needs and you can not afford child care or camp, and there is no summer school for your child. Long summer days are spent trying to keep your children from playing endless video games or watching Youtube videos or fighting with each other. The children seem listless, uninterested in reading or sports or riding their bikes. Some hate the water. Some hate being outside. Some want to sleep all day.

Hey, going to work every morning seems like a piece of cake compared to this. You know they should be doing some reading, writing and arithmetic during the summer months to keep them from falling behind. (Statistics say that it takes until November for kids to catch up to where they were in June if they do no school work over the summer).

More guilt. Try to get an ADHD kid to read a book or write a story over summer. Try to get a kid with Oppositional Defiant Disorder to do pages in a math book a half an hour a day all summer. Probably not going to happen.

So I’ll tell you what I did when my daughter turned 11 and she refused all those camps, lessons and programs. It’s not a perfect solution and won’t work for everyone. But maybe it will spark an idea for some of you.

Yes, my daughter was “addicted” to video games, she loved TV, and she hated going to what she called, “the foreign land, ‘the out of doors’. UGH! How could this be happening? Couldn’t I MAKE her go outside, swim, read, watch good historical movies, journal? Couldn’t I FORBID her from watching TV and playing video games? (I love the book “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kids”!! which talks about parents who can do that). Not without having a very, very unhappy 11 or 12 year old. No one wants their kid to be miserable all summer. Or angry and sullen with you most of the time. 

I did institute an hour for hour outside time for TV and video games. So she had to be outside for an hour in order to get an hour of video gaming or an hour of TV. She could ride her bike or swim or she could even read outside and then she could get her beloved video or TV show. Mostly that worked, but it wasn’t easy. She wore me down some days.

The best thing was inspired by a group of us mothers at a Memorial Day picnic. We were all in a dilemma about the summer. Some of us worked outside the home and some did not. There were about 5 or 6 of us. We decided to “sign up” for days to have the kids “play together” with no video games or TV. I didn’t work on Fridays that summer so I volunteered to have the kids about 5 Fridays during the summer. I had between 5 and 6 kids each time. We went tubing on the Russian River,  to Golden Gate park to visit the science hall and the planetarium, and to Great America. I also created an art day in the back yard with paints and clay. One parent took the kids to China Town in San Francisco. One parent took the kids to a water park. Another parent hosted an  outdoor adventure in their wooded half an acre back yard. And one day we agreed they could play video games together for 2 hours with a bike ride to follow. I still needed to have a child care person for her on the days there were no get togethers. But it sure  helped to have some days where she was with kids she liked doing something stimulating.

Other parents have shared with me that they hosted an art show of their daughter’s paintings and art creations inviting neighbors and adult friends. It took many days to  create the exhibits and the art show party was complete with snacks and drinks. I was invited and it was quite festive. That talented girl was beaming!!

My daughter in later years did co-create a kind of kid’s newspaper with news of the friends and what they were doing. My daughter did the cartoons using her friends as the characters. This was very cool.....but of course it didn’t last long. Follow through in Summer is difficult at best.

And I know some of you have children with no friends. Summertime Sympathy is deserved for Mothers of children with Special Needs whether the Moms work all summer or are home all summer. or a combination there of. As this Memorial Day signals the beginning of summer, please know I get the agony summer can bring. Bless each and every one of you for all you do.

And if you don’t do anything amazing for your child, please have self compassion and be kind to yourself. YOU are AMAZING raising your child in the best way you know how.