When Your Child Screams/Curses/Vilifies You

When Your Child Screams/Curses/Vilifies You

First of all, let me clear up some confusion. I have referred to my child as my daughter and then as my son. I have done this to protect my child’s confidentiality. My child does not take well to the idea of me writing about her/him in my blog. Understandable. I am  writing about MY experience both as a mother and a child therapist.  I’ve told my child, s/he should write a blog or response from the child’s perspective. But of course that is not his/her need/desire.  So to protect the confidentiality of my child and clients, I have changed genders frequently. It is too clumsy to keep using s/he.  I hope that helps clarify any confusion. 

This week many parents were struggling with their teenaged and early adult children screaming or swearing or blaming them. It did bring back memories for me of those teen years. Like my son telling the clerk at Safeway loudly that he was only there because I had forced him against his will to come to the store (TRUE....”if you want your own food (read junk food), you have to go to the store with me because I am not buying it for you unless you go”......this was a ploy to get him out of the house....no easy task). Or the time when I forced him to go to the YMCA gym and walk on the treadmill next to me. He announced to all of those in the gym that, “My evil mother is making me do this!” Again, TRUE. My saving grace was one man on the bicycle machine giving me a thumbs up. And then there were the millions of times he called me stupid. “Mom, you are an idiot”. Or, “you really are stupid”.  I truly started to believe I was stupid. It was very disconcerting. You’d think being a child therapist, that I could stop this disrespect. “I can’t find anything! Did you go on a cleaning frenzy?” His disgust and disdain were so hurtful to me; as they are to many parents.

On some level, though, I knew he loved me and was trying to separate and individuate.  

As well as, he could not handle his own sense of failure and inadequacy, so he projected it on to me. I knew I could not get my self esteem and self worth from him. This is so painful especially with a Special Needs child when you feel as though you have dedicated your life to this child to make things work better for them. Whether it be social advocacy, academic advocacy, special food and meals, various treatments of OT, Speech therapy, tutoring, and on and on.....we’ve given our hearts and souls to these children to be as successful as they can be. And then when they turn on us, it feels like a slap in the face....and it stings!

There’s a wonderful (old) book called How to Deal WIth Your Adolescent’s Adolescence by Bayard and Bayard,, a husband and wife who raised a bunch of kids (5 or 6??) They said when you feel that “ZING” from  your teen, that is a cue to do something nice for yourself. Awesome! Such good advice! Difficult to do, but if you don’t take care of yourself and you wait for your teen to give you something back, you will surely be resentful and depleted.

And when you are in that state, you are likely to say mean and hurtful things. I know this feels like a double standard when I say that the teens get to individuate and say hurtful things, but we need to stay strong and resilient and not retaliate. Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, Kind. Unfortunately, our harsh words, even in the midst of emotional upheaval, stay with them for years. They imprint in a most harmful way. I remember my mother telling/cursing me in anger, saying “I hope you have 3 kids just like you!” She was mad at me; but that was so hurtful to me. I knew she was hating me and cursing me.

And when I didn’t want to clean my room, she said, “ I hate to think what your house will look like when you grow up.” It stuck. I can’t leave my house now, without making my bed, vacuuming, and washing the dishes. Somehow the thought of someone seeing my house in disarray haunts/shames me. Not a relaxed way to live.

One more thought, here.....So how do we handle the hurtful hurtling words that come at us. We do NOT take the bait. Don’t respond in the moment. Walk away. Let your child know you are taking a time out or a break and when they want to speak with you rationally about an issue you will be there. When things are calm (enough), you can let them know that those things are really hurtful.....but don’t expect an apology....just state the fact. And then go to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group and let it all out. Get some commiseration and a reality check. Don’t vilify your child back. This too shall pass.