Anxiety/Worry/Stress

I was thinking about writing this blog piece on WORRY since it is universal to moms, especially Mothers of Children with Special Needs. And I’ve always wondered why my daughter has SO much anxiety and worry when I thought I had provided her with a secure and loving childhood, even though I was stressed and anxious.  Granted, I thought she inherited it from me (and her father....both of us anxiety ridden); but today in the NYT I read an article on inheriting stress BEFORE the child is conceived.....http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/09/opinion/sunday/can-children-inherit-stress.html?ref=todayspaper. You can biologically inherit your parent’s stress before conception. Amazing! Maybe I did.

But that is beside the point really. Because I am talking about the worry that we Mothers experience in relation to our children. Another article I read today is about whose worry is it.......http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/07/whose-anxiety-is-it/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0 Just thought you may be able to relate.

I may have said this before, but raising a child with Special Needs is like driving a car in the dark without any headlights. No maps, no models, no two children alike, no answers. We make it up as we go along, trying to follow our child’s needs whenever possible, but taking charge when necessary. Easier said than done.

 Both are difficult. Following their needs can be an overwhelming, an all consuming chore...not exactly a labor of love when you feel suffocated and exhausted. When do we listen to their fears and anxiety and allow them to remain in our protective emotional embrace keeping them safe? We want to do this because their terror compels us to. But how do we do this when we are running on empty? And how do we know if doing this is keeping them dependent on us far longer than is healthy for their own development and individuation to proceed? 

And what if their needs (for love and secure attachment) are masked by oppositional defiant behavior? How do we discern what is needed.....and how do we give it to them when they are furiously pushing us away. What will become of them as adults? Will we have helped to create a human being who contributes to society, or one who is a threat to society?

We know/suspect that they need to grow and expand and face their fears, whether it is fear to go out and meet the world or fear of loving and being loved.   But WHEN?? And HOW? The fine line is between holding them and pushing them. Or between limits and nurturing. This creates worry and uncertainty. It also begets guilt and self blame. If I had only.....I wish I had.....I should have....Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Is it all my fault?

How in God’s name do we contain our own anxiety as we witness our beloved children struggling so? Here is one answer: By being connected to those who understand. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to help Mothers stay sane in this worry wracked predicament. I want to reach out to each and every mother and tell her I know this journey is emotionally torturous. I feel your pain. And here are some things you can do.

1. Find a support group or another Mom who understands 
2. Carve out 30 minutes a day to NOT worry...or limit your worry to 30 minutes a day
3. Get in touch with your WISE self....a la the Serenity Prayer.....Give me the serenity to accept with serenity the things that canNOT be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the WISDOM to distinguish one from the other.

Find the balance. It is impossible to stop the worry. But can we allow ourselves to access our wisdom? If you can find an image, or images that represent your wisdom, 

put them somewhere easily accessible to comfort you, when worry overwhelms you.