Discipline

One of the hardest tasks for a Mom of a child with Special Needs is discipline. When do we say “No”? How do we assess whether the child can legitimately do something and when s/he can’t. What is reasonable to expect? What is a reasonable consequence, if we even accept the idea of consequences. When do we advocate for them without giving them a sense of entitlement or infantilization or helpless dependency. Do our other children think that the child with Special Needs gets away with too much? Do our husbands think that, too?

I wish I had the answer to all these questions, but I think it has to be addressed and assessed individually in each family. One thing I do know is that if we find ourselves getting unreasonably angry or judgmental or disgusted with our child, then something needs to change. It could be that some limits need to be set, or that some limits need to be enforced. Or it could be that our limits are too demanding, too harsh. Or it could be that we need some rest and recuperation. Or maybe we need the companionship of someone who will understand. I hope you can find that here.

I was raised so differently than how I parent. My mother was an angry, resentful woman who probably should  never have had children. I love the cocktail napkin that shows the woman serving cookies and the speech balloon says, “My secret ingredient is resentment.” Yep, that’s her. She thought I was overly sensitive and she could not “be with” my feelings, especially anger, sadness, or fear. I knew there must be a better way, which is why I became a child therapist. But when you’ve not had “being with” your child’s feelings modeled for you, it is not easy to do this.

The first thing is to be aware of what’s uncomfortable. For me, it’s fear primarily. My parents hated my insecurity and thus they pushed me unmercifully and shamed me when I was afraid. I stayed afraid.....for a long time. I remember one of my first therapists (yes, I’ve had a few.....therapy has save my life, literally) asking me if I felt anything else but fear. She told me I should try on some other feelings. But I was stuck there....at that time. It seems that when a feeling is denied over and over, we cling to it; just as our children do. It wasn’t until I had true compassion and understanding of my fear that I could be with it in a loving way. And that love had to come from me. I had to embrace my fear, know where it came from and why, and then I could emerge from it.

Therapy definitely helped me do this.....but ultimately it is up to me...and you.

My daughter is insecure. No big surprise there, really. I tried talking her out of it, proving to her how competent she was, shaming her, screaming at her to get over it, and then I finally remembered my self at her age. Then I could be with her in that feeling. I told her how I cried every night when I came home from school saying my homework was too much and too hard. I felt overwhelmed, incompetent, stupid and scared. And this from a late teen/early adult who got straight A’s, met with admiration from teachers, and jealousy from classmates because I ruined the curve. You see, it’s the feeling  that has to be accepted and comforted and loved. When my daughter heard about my insecurity, she softened and our talk deepened. It was hard to listen with all of my heart and soul. 

I had to check my own insecurity of her being insecure.

In an effort to help a parent look at what feeling might be most difficult to “be with”, write down some uncomfortable feelings that you have. Now imagine the kindest, most attuned mother you can, and see how she handles”being with” you and this feeling. Listen to that little girl inside of you who is crying and hurting. What does she need. Imagine her soul mother comforting her, holding her and listening to her.