To Siri: With Love from NYT 10/17/14

FASHION & STYLE

To Siri, With Love

How One Boy With Autism Became B.F.F.'s With Apple’s Siri

By JUDITH NEWMANOCT. 17, 2014

Just how bad a mother am I? I wondered, as I watched my 13-year-old son deep in conversation with Siri. Gus has autism, and Siri, Apple’s “intelligent personal assistant” on the iPhone, is currently his B.F.F. Obsessed with weather formations, Gus had spent the hour parsing the difference between isolated and scattered thunderstorms — an hour in which, thank God, I didn’t have to discuss them. After a while I heard this:

Gus: “You’re a really nice computer.”

Siri: “It’s nice to be appreciated.”

Gus: “You are always asking if you can help me. Is there anything you want?”

Siri: “Thank you, but I have very few wants.”

Gus: “O.K.! Well, good night!”

Siri: “Ah, it’s 5:06 p.m.”

Gus: “Oh sorry, I mean, goodbye.”

Siri: “See you later!”

That Siri. She doesn’t let my communications-impaired son get away with anything. Indeed, many of us wanted an imaginary friend, and now we have one. Only she’s not entirely imaginary.

This is a love letter to a machine. It’s not quite the love Joaquin Phoenix felt in “Her,” last year’s Spike Jonze film about a lonely man’s romantic relationship with his intelligent operating system (played by the voice of Scarlett Johansson). But it’s close. In a world where the commonly held wisdom is that technology isolates us, it’s worth considering another side of the story.

CreditLouie Chin

It all began simply enough. I’d just read one of those ubiquitous Internet lists called “21 Things You Didn’t Know Your iPhone Could Do.” One of them was this: I could ask Siri, “What planes are above me right now?” and Siri would bark back, “Checking my sources.” Almost instantly there was a list of actual flights — numbers, altitudes, angles — above my head.

I happened to be doing this when Gus was nearby. “Why would anyone need to know what planes are flying above your head?” I muttered. Gus replied without looking up: “So you know who you’re waving at, Mommy.”

Gus had never noticed Siri before, but when he discovered there was someone who would not just find information on his various obsessions (trains, planes, buses, escalators and, of course, anything related to weather) but actually semi-discuss these subjects tirelessly, he was hooked. And I was grateful. Now, when my head was about to explode if I had to have another conversation about the chance of tornadoes in Kansas City, Mo., I could reply brightly: “Hey! Why don’t you ask Siri?”

It’s not that Gus doesn’t understand Siri’s not human. He does — intellectually. But like many autistic people I know, Gus feels that inanimate objects, while maybe not possessing souls, are worthy of our consideration. I realized this when he was 8, and I got him an iPod for his birthday. He listened to it only at home, with one exception. It always came with us on our visits to the Apple Store. Finally, I asked why. “So it can visit its friends,” he said.

So how much more worthy of his care and affection is Siri, with her soothing voice, puckish humor and capacity for talking about whatever Gus’s current obsession is for hour after hour after bleeding hour? Online critics have claimed that Siri’s voice recognition is not as accurate as the assistant in, say, the Android, but for some of us, this is a feature, not a bug. Gus speaks as if he has marbles in his mouth, but if he wants to get the right response from Siri, he must enunciate clearly. (So do I. I had to ask Siri to stop referring to the user as Judith, and instead use the name Gus. “You want me to call you Goddess?” Siri replied. Imagine how tempted I was to answer, “Why, yes.”)

She is also wonderful for someone who doesn’t pick up on social cues: Siri’s responses are not entirely predictable, but they are predictably kind — even when Gus is brusque. I heard him talking to Siri about music, and Siri offered some suggestions. “I don’t like that kind of music,” Gus snapped. Siri replied, “You’re certainly entitled to your opinion.” Siri’s politeness reminded Gus what he owed Siri. “Thank you for that music, though,” Gus said. Siri replied, “You don’t need to thank me.” “Oh, yes,” Gus added emphatically, “I do.”

Siri even encourages polite language. Gus’s twin brother, Henry (neurotypical and therefore as obnoxious as every other 13-year-old boy), egged Gus on to spew a few choice expletives at Siri. “Now, now,” she sniffed, followed by, “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

CreditLouie Chin

Gus is hardly alone in his Siri love. For children like Gus who love to chatter but don’t quite understand the rules of the game, Siri is a nonjudgmental friend and teacher. Nicole Colbert, whose son, Sam, is in my son’s class at LearningSpring, a (lifesaving) school for autistic children in Manhattan, said: “My son loves getting information on his favorite subjects, but he also just loves the absurdity — like, when Siri doesn’t understand him and gives him a nonsense answer, or when he poses personal questions that elicit funny responses. Sam asked Siri how old she was, and she said, ‘I don’t talk about my age,’ which just cracked him up.”

But perhaps it also gave him a valuable lesson in etiquette. Gus almost invariably tells me, “You look beautiful,” right before I go out the door in the morning; I think it was first Siri who showed him that you can’t go wrong with that line.

Of course, most of us simply use our phone’s personal assistants as an easy way to access information. For example, thanks to Henry and the question he just asked Siri, I now know that there is a website called Celebrity Bra Sizes.

But the companionability of Siri is not limited to those who have trouble communicating. We’ve all found ourselves like the writer Emily Listfield, having little conversations with her/him at one time or another. “I was in the middle of a breakup, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself,” Ms. Listfield said. “It was midnight and I was noodling around on my iPhone, and I asked Siri, ‘Should I call Richard?’ Like this app is a Magic 8 Ball. Guess what: not a Magic 8 Ball. The next thing I hear is, ‘Calling Richard!’ and dialing.” Ms. Listfield has forgiven Siri, and has recently considered changing her into a male voice. “But I’m worried he won’t answer when I ask a question,” she said. “He’ll just pretend he doesn’t hear.”

Siri can be oddly comforting, as well as chummy. One friend reports: “I was having a bad day and jokingly turned to Siri and said, ‘I love you,’ just to see what would happen, and she answered, ‘You are the wind beneath my wings.’ And you know, it kind of cheered me up.”

(Of course, I don’t know what my friend is talking about. Because I wouldn’t be at all cheered if I happened to ask Siri, in a low moment, “Do I look fat in these jeans?” and Siri answered, “You look fabulous.”)

For most of us, Siri is merely a momentary diversion. But for some, it’s more. My son’s practice conversation with Siri is translating into more facility with actual humans. Yesterday I had the longest conversation with him that I’ve ever had. Admittedly, it was about different species of turtles and whether I preferred the red-eared slider to the diamond-backed terrapin. This might not have been my choice of topic, but it was back and forth, and it followed a logical trajectory. I can promise you that for most of my beautiful son’s 13 years of existence, that has not been the case

CreditLouie Chin

The developers of intelligent assistants recognize their uses to those with speech and communication problems — and some are thinking of new ways the assistants can help. According to the folks at SRI International, the research and development company where Siri began before Apple bought the technology, the next generation of virtual assistants will not just retrieve information — they will also be able to carry on more complex conversations about a person’s area of interest. “Your son will be able to proactively get information about whatever he’s interested in without asking for it, because the assistant will anticipate what he likes,” said William Mark, vice president for information and computing sciences at SRI.

The assistant will also be able to reach children where they live. Ron Suskind, whose new book, “Life, Animated,” chronicles how his autistic son came out of his shell through engagement with Disney characters, is talking to SRI about having assistants for those with autism that can be programmed to speak in the voice of the character that reaches them — for his son, perhaps Aladdin; for mine, either Kermit or Lady Gaga, either of which he is infinitely more receptive to than, say, his mother. (Mr. Suskind came up with the perfect name, too: not virtual assistants, but “sidekicks.”)

Mr. Mark said he envisions assistants whose help is also visual. “For example, the assistant would be able to track eye movements and help the autistic learn to look you in the eye when talking,” he said.

“See, that’s the wonderful thing about technology being able to help with some of these behaviors,” he added. “Getting results requires a lot of repetition. Humans are not patient. Machines are very, very patient.”

I asked Mr. Mark if he knew whether any of the people who worked on Siri’s language development at Apple were on the spectrum. “Well, of course, I don’t know for certain,” he said, thoughtfully. “But, when you think about it, you’ve just described half of Silicon Valley.”

Of all the worries the parent of an autistic child has, the uppermost is: Will he find love? Or even companionship? Somewhere along the line, I am learning that what gives my guy happiness is not necessarily the same as what gives me happiness. Right now, at his age, a time when humans can be a little overwhelming even for the average teenager, Siri makes Gus happy. She is his sidekick. Last night, as he was going to bed, there was this matter-of-fact exchange:

Gus: “Siri, will you marry me?”

Photo

Siri: “I’m not the marrying kind.”

Gus: “I mean, not now. I’m a kid. I mean when I’m grown up.”

Siri: “My end user agreement does not include marriage.”

Gus: “Oh, O.K.”

Gus didn’t sound too disappointed. This was useful information to have, and for me too, since it was the first time I knew that he actually thought about marriage. He turned over to go to sleep:

Gus: “Goodnight, Siri. Will you sleep well tonight?”

Siri: “I don’t need much sleep, but it’s nice of you to ask.”

Very nice.

The Language of Love

The 5 Love Languages for Children

Last week someone loaned me this book: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I’ve been impressed, and I will share what I’ve gleaned from this very readable, practical and loving little gem of a book. It is helpful for parents of typical children, and may be especially useful for children with special needs.

The 5 Love Languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. While all of them are important, usually, after age 5, one of them becomes primary. Before age 5, use them all generously. Most of us love our children, but sometimes they do not feel our unconditional love. And perhaps it is because we are not showing them our love behaviorally in their primary language. Sometimes, even when we don’t feel loving because of stress, work, a fight with spouse, or any number of other reasons, we can still behave lovingly.

Let’s take them one at a time and I’ll give you some examples from the book, as well as my life and clinical practice with children.

Physical Touch: Hugging, stroking their hair, rubbing their back, playful wrestling, piggy back rides or rides on shoulders, kissing hello and good bye, holding hands, snuggle while watching a movie, allowing or encouraging children to sit on your lap. These are just a few. I’m sure you can think of more.

One of the problems with a child who has touch as a primary love language and doesn’t get it, is that s/he may seek it elsewhere inappropriately. 

And there are children with sensory issues who do not like touch. With them, it is important to respect that and at the same time, find some tolerable way to give them a little. A mother told me once that her daughter really was averse to physical touch. Yet when they watched movies, especially on her computer they would touch their heads together and it felt like the sweetest thing in the world. 

If as a parent you are uncomfortable with touch and your child’s primary love language is touch, it will be important to find some way to touch your child at least once a day and build up from there. It can also be helpful to touch your own skin, rubbing your arm gently, and your shoulders and even your ankle and legs. That will help you become more comfortable with touch.

Words of Affirmation: Telling them something specific that they did and that you really appreciated; putting a word of encouragement or a compliment in their lunchbox, or frame a child’s drawing telling them why it means so much to you. If you have to be out of town, write a note for every day you are away letting the child know you are thinking of them. Be specific with praise (not “what a great picture”.....but rather,  “I love the red in that picture”, or “I get the feeling of movement from how you drew that...how did you do that?” Put a long sheet of butcher paper on the back of their bedroom door and write something complimentary every day about what your child did or said. These words become like deposits in an emotional bank of sorts. And when the going gets rough the child can go to the bank and remember/feel the praise and beautiful effort that the parent recognized and put into words. That can provide emotional support in a dark time.

Quality Time is just what it says: spending time with your undivided attention on your child, talking, laughing, playing. The book has 2 pages of suggestions if you need some ideas. In my practice, I usually recommend scheduled, regular quality time with each child every week. The child will look forward to it and it becomes like sacred time, especially if there is more than one child at home. But even for only children, this time with undivided attention is invaluable. I did this with my daughter for years. It was not an easy task to not use the phone or computer, to not fit in a load of laundry, or to not let anything else get in the way of that 30 minutes once a week. I know she loved it and felt closer to me, but I was amazed at how much closer I felt to her. Actually the first time we did it, a lot of anger came out. She was aggressive with the toys. I asked what she was angry about and it all came tumbling out. It was mostly about the divorce, going back and forth, and how much busier I was. I was able to hear and listen in a way that I hadn’t done as well previously. It became a lovely ritual for us. And in my office, a father told me that when he took his son to the park, he was annoyed that his son kept asking him to play with him. He wanted him to go off and play with the other children. But with some reflection, he could see his son wanted to play with HIM, not anyone else.

Gifts: At first I bristled against this idea. I don’t want children to become entitled or expect gifts constantly. But what I got from this is that sometimes gifts make a child feel special, loved and seen, especially when given unexpectedly. I had a mother who bought her child a small gift every payday. The child loved the gifts and it made her feel loved. You can find a feather and wrap it up or present it in a special box, or gather a bouquet of wild flowers, or dedicate a song to him/her, or buy tickets to a concert that you know h/she will love, or create a treasure hunt with a map to the treasure. It is the surprise of the gift and the knowing what the child likes, that will deepen the love bond between parent and child. There’s nothing like feeling seen!

Acts of Service: One mother told me the best thing she could do for her children was make them a sandwich. Acts of service are times when we do things for our children that we don’t normally do for them, like cleaning their room or doing a chore that is usually theirs. It is also helpful to do acts of service in the community together, like volunteering at a soup kitchen, or donating toys to a shelter.

You have to watch your child carefully to discover which one is their primary love language. Sometimes you can give your child a choice of how to spend time together, offering two from different categories and see which they prefer. For example, “I have some free time tonight. Would you rather watch a movie and snuggle on the couch or go buy you a new pair of tennis shoes?” (Quality time, with physical touch tucked in there, or a gift.)

I highly recommend the book. Speaking your child’s love language can help your child receive on a deeper level the love you have to give.

Frustration…..How To Deal With It

Frustration......How to Deal With It

We decided to dedicate this week’s Mom’s Group for Mom’s of Children With Special Needs to FRUSTRATION. But you know, it applies to every parent and spouse. Who among us has not felt frustrated by our child or a lover or a friend? 

We asked for examples of frustration. There were so many.  I will  focus only on one here. Almost every one of us were frustrated by our kids not brushing their teeth. That was a surprise to me. I thought I was the only one who had a child who refused to brush. In retrospect, I think it is a sensory issue because most of our children have these sensory issues, and brushing hurts in a way, and feels intrusive in another way. One Mom said she wished her child had all her teeth! Due to overcrowding, some permanent teeth had to be removed and she was given a partial dental plate. But sometimes she doesn’t wear it, and the mother would be so frustrated/put off by that. Our children with Special Needs somehow don’t really care how others perceive them, whether it be odd clothes, bad breath, or social faux pas. But it does frustrate us, who keep giving them advice and direction, all the while trying not to be intrusive, even though we are. One mother told us she keeps a toothbrush in the car for her and her children and they brush at red  lights on the way to school making it kind of a game and easing the tension around this important self care task. On and on, the examples became comical to us as we related to each and every one of them. One mother said that she realized with relief that her children were not the only ones who were weird. Our fear that they will be excluded socially or be rejected and isolated drives our “nagging”behavior and intrusiveness.

But what is a mother to do? Well, first of all we need to heed the saying from AAA....H.A.L.T.... for us and our child. Don’t get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired. These, or even one of these, is a set up for children to meltdown, not listen, act out. And for we mothers, they can rob us of the stamina and patience we need to deal with a dysregulated child. 

We can reach out to a friend or someone who will understand, we can take a short time out for ourselves ( a bathroom trip, or go to our bedroom to breathe and self talk, calming ourselves); ask a spouse or partner to take over for a bit while we pull ourselves together. Probably there are other strategies you have come up with, which I would love to hear about.

But then there is the repair routine created by The Circle of Security team. (The Circle of Security Intervention by Bert Powell, Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman, and Bob Marvin

The first is when we are upset and our child is upset, we need to calm ourselves and remember that we need to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. And remember our child needs us, no matter what.

Secondly when we are calm enough and our child is still upset, we need to take charge so our child is not too out of control. Sometimes it is helpful to change location like taking a walk outside or going to a designated “time-in” spot where we are together until feelings begin to change. 

We help our child bring words to his/her feelings. (“You seem really upset. I wonder if you are angry? You don’t like it when I say no to you. Does that make you feel like I don’t care about you or what you want?”)

Then we can acknowledge our feelings.(“When you throw things at me, I feel scared and worried”).

Stay with your child until s/he is calm enough. Stay in charge and stay sympathetic.

When both of us are calm enough, we can use words to help the child talk about the feelings and needs s/he is struggling with by listening and talking together.

Then we can talk about new ways of dealing with this problem when it comes up in the future. It is helpful for children to have more options of how to deal with difficult feelings. This bodes well for dealing with future issues.

And what the Circle of Security says is that “bottom line it is the relationship (and only the relationship ) that will build my child’s capacity to organize his/her feelings.” Ruptures in relationship are rooted in a need to reconnect. When we remain in charge as someone who is bigger, stronger, wiser and kind, feelings will settle and he relationship can be repaired.

There is no such thing as a relationship that does not have rupture. The key and strength of the relationship depends on the repair, the quality of the repair. So when we feel like we have blown it, we can use this repair routine and reconnect lovingly with our child. 

And one last thing.....some of our children have really annoying habits. Often they are self-soothing or sensory integration issues. Our children have little control over them. Shaming them only makes them feel badly about themselves. We need to soothe ourselves and have compassion for them whenever we can.

Bless you for what you do for your child!

Tell me YOUR stories.

A Mother's Aching Heart

What Do You Do When Your Heart Is Aching and Breaking For Your Child?

In some ways I am so lucky and blessed to have my daughter be so successful. She is smart and articulate. She is wickedly funny. She is careful with her (my) money. She is responsible and honest. I love her politics!  And she is in college pursuing her passion. What could be the problem?

She is lonely. She has a hard time initiating with friends and waits to be called or texted. When no one does, she feels no one likes her and that she is all alone in the world. I don’t know what to say, then. If I tell her how awesome she is she responds with, “You are my mother. You are supposed to feel that way”. It doesn’t help her feel better at all. If I give her advice (oh God.....dreaded mother advice) like maybe you could invite someone to do something with you. She says she doesn’t know what to do and if she can’t even get a response to texting “Hey, what’s up?”, she doesn’t think anyone will respond to an invitation. She is isolated and doesn’t leave her apartment for days. 

Argh! My heart breaks for her. And she doesn’t want to come visit me or have me visit her. Without the structure of school, she is at loose ends. So I try to listen empathically. And then she reassures me that she is fine and will be okay. She knows my heart is aching for her.

I’m imagining that there are many mothers of kids with Special Needs whose hearts break and ache for their children every day. When they come home from school having been bullied, or mocked, or left out, or the last to be chosen on a team, what can we do? For them; for ourselves?  Our kids have to deal with a cruel world that misunderstands them and doesn’t support them in the ways that are needed.

 And  parents who have children with a chronic illness, or a mental illness.....how do they maintain an attitude of bigger, stronger, wiser and kind? How do we listen reflectively? How do we not  pathologize them or infantilize them. And how do we keep ourselves and them from being in a state of denial refusing to address the reality of the situation. How do we not give up on them? How do we face hopelessness? 

How do we explain them to judgmental, “well meaning” friends, teachers, acquaintances and relatives who infer or directly accuse us of poor parenting? How do we deal with our beloved child’s isolation; as well as our own?

I would love to hear from you readers about how you have dealt with this in your own situation. For me, I have run the gamut. At first, I worried silently. I loved her with all my heart, and yet I knew something was wrong. Her Dad thought I was being critical of her and seeing problems when they were not there. I think this is typical in many families where one parent senses something is off and the other defends the child, causing a rift between the  parents. This can go on for years and is so painful to both parents who have different views on what is happening and very different styles of dealing with their children.

After worrying silently, I went to professionals for assessments and evaluations trying to gain more understanding. This is an extremely costly endeavor and invokes such anxiety in parents and children. The parents are scared to death to find out something frightening and the child, no matter how young, is wondering what is wrong with me? Why am I going to all these doctors?

As a child therapist, I do my best to help families with this phase. I am able to use non -judgmental language, and accurate descriptions to help everyone understand what is going on. I must say that I have had mostly great experiences with this, probably because I have been there and know how to talk to the parents and kids with love and compassion about differences.

My next phase was trying to change the world for my daughter. I was in the school helping the school counselor devise empathy training to help the other kids understand her differences. The counselor told me she had done this in my daughter’s 6th grade classroom, and described to her classmates how kids with asperger’s syndrome have no sixth sense (social sense). And that can make them seem awkward or “strange”. But it is not their fault; just like it is not a blind person’s fault if they can’t see. And you wouldn’t make fun of a blind person or tell a blind person to cross the street without assistance, would you? In the same way, the child with a social difficulty needs help and understanding; not derisiveness or tricks being played on them. My daughter apparently raised her hand and said, “That’s me. That’s what I have.” (So asperger’s -like to do that). And several classmates apologized to her right then and there. She  stood up and said, “I will accept your apologies. But you shouldn’t make fun of anyone for any reason.” My heart swelled with pride, but it was also aching for her. She was so vulnerable.

And on it goes. I advocated for her. I tried to raise consciousness about kids with Special Needs. I fought the school system to get her accomodations. I wrote about anti-bullying in the newspaper. But I often cried myself to sleep and worried. I believed in her and knew she would be an outstanding human being. But when your child suffers, you suffer.

As I’ve said before, having other mothers of children with Special Needs to talk to has been invaluable. Finding self compassion has been helpful. And at some moments, I find this awesome connection with her. That makes my heart sing.

Please share your stories with me. It takes us reaching out to each other and saying, “I feel you. I feel your pain”  to bear an aching heart. Bless you for all you bear for yourselves and your children. We need each other and they need us.

Father’s Day

I want to acknowledge Father’s Day and the importance of Fathers in their children’s lives. I know I write this blog primarily for mothers, since I am a mother and feel I have the most to offer from that perspective. But, I also work with many fathers in my practice, have good friends who are fathers, and value the contribution and input of my daughter’s father in her life.

I took a training in the early 2000’s with John Gottman from Seattle based on his book “And Baby Makes 3”. It was a training to work with new parents helping them adjust to the new configuration of adding a baby into their lives and into their relationship dynamic. John does an excellent job of describing the value of father love and father input, especially helping mothers see the value of Dad in their children’s lives. Some of it made me ashamed of what I had ignorantly done in the first year of my daughter’s life with me and her Dad. I did not know that it was dismissive of him for me to come home from the store after he had bathed and dressed her, only to immediately change her outfit to one I thought was cuter, more coordinated, and just “looked better” on her. I often took her from his arms when she was crying, assuming I could soothe her better....not trusting that they could find their way. I thought mother love was “superior” to father love. Fortunately, I could see their love for each other grow, and I knew even though she preferred me when she was upset, that she also loved and enjoyed her Dad very much. Going away from them on a vacation with my girlfriend for a weekend to Santa Cruz when she was 3, was hard for me; but it did them a world of good and I could see their bond was strong and healthy.  Today they have an awesome relationship and will be spending the day together. 

Mothers sometimes undermine fathers’ relationships with their children. Father love is different. Fathers tend to be more playful, more rough and tumble, more exciting. They can cheer their child on to climb to the top of the slide, while mothers can be holding their breath afraid it is too dangerous for the child.Fathers can teach their children to skateboard, ski, ride a bike, dive, surf, play sports...all of which will help them conquer their fears and develop their self confidence. Children can pick up on subtle put downs of the father by the mother (this can also go the other way, too.....fathers putting mothers down). A simple rolling of the eyes, or disgusted sigh can give clues to the child that the mother is not liking what the Dad is doing. Children can pick up on this and sometimes follow suit colluding with the mother in keeping the father out. Of course, this is not helpful to the child and may even be confusing and damaging. It is imperative that we as mothers allow our children to form their own special unique attachment and connection to their father. It takes restraint on our part not to taint the relationship water with our disapproval or need to make the other parent bad. Even if we don’t like how the other parents, it is essential not to air this in front of the children. Parenting differences need to be addressed privately or with a parenting therapist.

Research (by Joan Kelly, PhD et. al. )has shown that children who have caring father involvement get better grades in school, are better able to emotionally regulate themselves, show more warmth and acceptance toward a second born sibling, have better peer relationships, are more sociable as infants, and have fewer behavioral problems, solve problems better over their lifetime, have more satisfying adult relationships and cope and adapt better to difficult life situations.

The newer research is impacting custody plans by increasing the father’s involvement with his children to a 50/50 percent ratio with mother and father’s time considered as equally important and valuable. 

The first doll house play scenario my daughter enacted in my office showed her and the Dad sitting together watching the news in the living room. I asked her where the Mom was, and she said, “She’s at work”. Aaaaah, that was painful for me, but it was then that I realized I could work with clients until 6 or 7 and she was safe at home with her Dad, not needing to be in a daycare situation. She learned to identify all the instruments in any piece of jazz music from her father, she learned the constellations in the sky from her father, she learned about plants and and flowers from her father. I could go on and on, but the point is she learned a great deal from her father’s gifts, and continues to do so. 

So to all you Dads, Happy Father’ Day. I hope you feel appreciated for all you do.

Shark Music

Shark Music

I have mentioned several times in this blog,  the training I have received in The Circle of Security Parenting Program, as well as the book, The Circle of Security Intervention by Powell, Cooper Hoffman and Marvin, 2014.

One of the most powerful concepts in Circle of Security is that of “shark music”. Basically this is the experience of a caregiver being triggered by her child. It is responding to a safe need that the child is expressing as though it were dangerous. 

In the DVD video clip a scene is shown with music of a trail to an ocean beach. It looks like a beautiful peaceful scene, like a place you could walk and feel serene and comfortable. The camera follows the path down to the beach and we see the glorious Pacific ocean while the music from Pachebel’s Canon (sweet, calm, classical music) plays in the background. Then the same exact video clip is played, except this time it is the music from the movie Jaws. As we follow the camera down to the beach, we have a sense of impending doom; like something terrible, terrifying is about to happen. It is quite a difference. Then we are told that the background music we play in our heads determines our state of mind when responding to our child’s needs. If our child’s need creates a sense of terrifying danger in us, we will not be able to respond in a way that meets our child’s need. We call this “shark music” playing in our heads.

Why does this happen? “We do unto others as we’re done to.”(Selma Fraiberg, 1980) The parenting we received colors/influences our reactions and responses to our children’s needs.

A baby begins to cry and fuss. The mother feels rejected, helpless and triggered. She tells the child to stop crying in a harsh tone, which makes the baby cry even more. The mother becomes dysregulated/upset. She wants the child to calm down to take care of her own need to not feel rejected. By gentle inquiry into the mother’s response, we discover that she was rejected by her mother when she expressed need for comfort. This baby’s mother unconsciously fears her child’s need for comfort, because when she expressed it, she was punished or reprimanded. She learned to shut that need down and now is trying to teach her baby to do the same thing.....at a great cost to the baby. When we can uncover the reason for these automatic responses, we can then have more awareness of our behavior and hopefully we can allow ourselves to choose to respond differently. 

In my practice I have taught this concept to many parents. Some even use “my shark music is going off” as code to the other parent for “I can’t handle this right now, can you please take over for a few minutes while I collect myself?” Parents tell me this is so helpful and non shaming. Each gets the other’s alarm and distress and can help by coming in to meet the child’s need in an appropriate way.

I was at my friend’s house when his little boy was having a melt down in the kitchen. The father was cooking dinner and the boy was hungry, protesting that he didn’t like what the father was cooking. He was crying at his father’s feet with his arms around his father’s ankles, making it impossible for him to move without potentially stepping on his son. Food was sizzling on the stove. He yelled to me, saying, “Can you come in here and get Joey? I can’t deal with him right now!” Of course, I went in and picked Joey up and brought him to another room holding him and comforting him. Fortunately, he was able to be distracted and soothed, and we had a wonderful dinner together soon after that.

These are the examples I heard just this week regarding parents experiencing shark music:

*siblings fighting and screaming in the back seat of the car while parent is driving in stressful traffic

*19 year old daughter face times her mother while daughter is drinking vodka from a bottle and walking down the middle of the street in traffic

*21 year old daughter tells her mother if mother really loved her, she would pay her $1100. roaming fees

*teen steals parent’s credit card info and parent discovers $800. charges from an internet website

*parent who lost a sibling to traffic accident discovers her son with autism and poor balance, riding his scooter through the neighborhood without permission

In each of these it is difficult to see what the child needs from the parent who is so upset and triggered.  And it is hard not to respond in a shaming, punitive way. All of these parents did get a handle on their shark music, given some time and reflection, and were able to repair their connection with their child. 

The driving parent was able to acknowledge that he used a mean voice with the children and that he scared them. He acknowledged that they were hungry and hot and tired. They really needed him to pull off the road and give them some food and water and regroup. He promised to do that next time.

The mother realized her daughter had just had a traumatizing event and daughter did not know what else to do except try to numb herself and then do something really scary to get her mother’s attention. When the mother calmed her shark music down, she was able to get help for the daughter and then they had a heart to heart talk repairing their connection.

After the mother of the 21 year old got over her furor with her daughter’s sense of entitlement, she addressed the issue of love with her daughter.  She described how love was also teaching her daughter to be fiscally responsible.

The mother so frightened for her son’s safety realized she needed to be able to tolerate her anxiety so her son would be able to discuss his need for independence without getting a non compromising “NO”.

In my own experience, having a child with special needs in and of itself set off my shark music. Was it my fault, could I “make” her ‘look’ neurotypical, how could I explain this to my parents and family? Would they accept her? My shark music was going much of the time in those early years. When we have neuro-atypical children, it can be very challenging to see what our child’s need is apart from what is socially acceptable. My child needed to sleep in my bed until she was 5. I discouraged this at first, hearing my mother’s voice telling me I was spoiling her. I dutifully put her back in her own bed twice a night. After reflecting on this, I finally “got” that she really needed to sleep with her father and me. And so it was....no more struggle. It was my shark music coming from my mother who shunned any “neediness” on my part that kept me shoving her away. We need to find a way to acknowledge our shark music, put it aside, and tend to our child’s needs. And if we can’t do it in the moment, we can repair it soon thereafter.

As always, I invite you to share your stories of shark music with me in the comments section of the blog. 

And again, as always, bless each and every one of you for all you do for your children.

They may not be able to thank you or appreciate the difficult and awesome job you are

doing, but I want to acknowledge your love and your willingness to reflect in making your relationship with your child meaningful and connected.

Mother's Day, 2014

Mother’s Day

It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this morning of Mother’s Day, 2014. It’s not about me and my daughter. She and I had a lovely day together yesterday. She even let me help her clean her apartment. I know, seriously? Letting me help her clean was my present. And her bathroom and kitchen are sparkling!  Makes my heart sing. We did break yet another vacuum (the third she has had), but I ordered her one last night and hopefully it will help her do the finishing touch when she gets it tomorrow.

Mother’s Day brings up so much pain for people; and, yours truly, had so much sadness yesterday. The family members of two different people I know had someone in their family die tragically yesterday. They were unrelated. I feel the fragility of life today. I feel the immensity of love. I feel the sorrow of loss.

Today I am holding all the people who have lost their mothers or grandmothers; and all the mothers and grandmothers who are holding the children suffering the devastating loss of a parent. It is unfathomable.

I remember talking to my mother-in-law who lost one of her sons when he was only 7. I asked her how she managed to go on. She said, “You just do.” And that’s what it is. You keep going somehow by the grace of God. 

To all you mother-less children, I want to send you a blessing and hope that you can find your own internal good mother who loves you unconditionally. You need her. You especially need her as you grieve your “mother-loss” today. If there were any way your mother could be with you, she would be. Your inner mother can embrace you as your tears flow and stroke your head with gentle compassion. 

And if you are missing your grandmother today, honor her in some way; with a flower or a poem or a lit candle. It can soothe your heart to give agency to your grief.

Not all of us miss our mothers today. Mother relationship is so complicated. If you do not miss your mother today, let that be so and be okay. You get to have your own feelings. They don’t have to be legislated by Hallmark greeting cards or movies. I hope, though, that you have found a good friend, sister, therapist, auntie, cousin, mentor or inner mother to give you that sense of unconditional love that you so deserve and need.

And to all of you mothers and grandmothers who are doing the work of mothering, I give you high praise for the most difficult job on earth. I thank you for helping to make this world a better place.

In gratitude, Happy Mother’s Day.

Discipline

One of the hardest tasks for a Mom of a child with Special Needs is discipline. When do we say “No”? How do we assess whether the child can legitimately do something and when s/he can’t. What is reasonable to expect? What is a reasonable consequence, if we even accept the idea of consequences. When do we advocate for them without giving them a sense of entitlement or infantilization or helpless dependency. Do our other children think that the child with Special Needs gets away with too much? Do our husbands think that, too?

I wish I had the answer to all these questions, but I think it has to be addressed and assessed individually in each family. One thing I do know is that if we find ourselves getting unreasonably angry or judgmental or disgusted with our child, then something needs to change. It could be that some limits need to be set, or that some limits need to be enforced. Or it could be that our limits are too demanding, too harsh. Or it could be that we need some rest and recuperation. Or maybe we need the companionship of someone who will understand. I hope you can find that here.

I was raised so differently than how I parent. My mother was an angry, resentful woman who probably should  never have had children. I love the cocktail napkin that shows the woman serving cookies and the speech balloon says, “My secret ingredient is resentment.” Yep, that’s her. She thought I was overly sensitive and she could not “be with” my feelings, especially anger, sadness, or fear. I knew there must be a better way, which is why I became a child therapist. But when you’ve not had “being with” your child’s feelings modeled for you, it is not easy to do this.

The first thing is to be aware of what’s uncomfortable. For me, it’s fear primarily. My parents hated my insecurity and thus they pushed me unmercifully and shamed me when I was afraid. I stayed afraid.....for a long time. I remember one of my first therapists (yes, I’ve had a few.....therapy has save my life, literally) asking me if I felt anything else but fear. She told me I should try on some other feelings. But I was stuck there....at that time. It seems that when a feeling is denied over and over, we cling to it; just as our children do. It wasn’t until I had true compassion and understanding of my fear that I could be with it in a loving way. And that love had to come from me. I had to embrace my fear, know where it came from and why, and then I could emerge from it.

Therapy definitely helped me do this.....but ultimately it is up to me...and you.

My daughter is insecure. No big surprise there, really. I tried talking her out of it, proving to her how competent she was, shaming her, screaming at her to get over it, and then I finally remembered my self at her age. Then I could be with her in that feeling. I told her how I cried every night when I came home from school saying my homework was too much and too hard. I felt overwhelmed, incompetent, stupid and scared. And this from a late teen/early adult who got straight A’s, met with admiration from teachers, and jealousy from classmates because I ruined the curve. You see, it’s the feeling  that has to be accepted and comforted and loved. When my daughter heard about my insecurity, she softened and our talk deepened. It was hard to listen with all of my heart and soul. 

I had to check my own insecurity of her being insecure.

In an effort to help a parent look at what feeling might be most difficult to “be with”, write down some uncomfortable feelings that you have. Now imagine the kindest, most attuned mother you can, and see how she handles”being with” you and this feeling. Listen to that little girl inside of you who is crying and hurting. What does she need. Imagine her soul mother comforting her, holding her and listening to her.