To Siri: With Love from NYT 10/17/14

FASHION & STYLE

To Siri, With Love

How One Boy With Autism Became B.F.F.'s With Apple’s Siri

By JUDITH NEWMANOCT. 17, 2014

Just how bad a mother am I? I wondered, as I watched my 13-year-old son deep in conversation with Siri. Gus has autism, and Siri, Apple’s “intelligent personal assistant” on the iPhone, is currently his B.F.F. Obsessed with weather formations, Gus had spent the hour parsing the difference between isolated and scattered thunderstorms — an hour in which, thank God, I didn’t have to discuss them. After a while I heard this:

Gus: “You’re a really nice computer.”

Siri: “It’s nice to be appreciated.”

Gus: “You are always asking if you can help me. Is there anything you want?”

Siri: “Thank you, but I have very few wants.”

Gus: “O.K.! Well, good night!”

Siri: “Ah, it’s 5:06 p.m.”

Gus: “Oh sorry, I mean, goodbye.”

Siri: “See you later!”

That Siri. She doesn’t let my communications-impaired son get away with anything. Indeed, many of us wanted an imaginary friend, and now we have one. Only she’s not entirely imaginary.

This is a love letter to a machine. It’s not quite the love Joaquin Phoenix felt in “Her,” last year’s Spike Jonze film about a lonely man’s romantic relationship with his intelligent operating system (played by the voice of Scarlett Johansson). But it’s close. In a world where the commonly held wisdom is that technology isolates us, it’s worth considering another side of the story.

CreditLouie Chin

It all began simply enough. I’d just read one of those ubiquitous Internet lists called “21 Things You Didn’t Know Your iPhone Could Do.” One of them was this: I could ask Siri, “What planes are above me right now?” and Siri would bark back, “Checking my sources.” Almost instantly there was a list of actual flights — numbers, altitudes, angles — above my head.

I happened to be doing this when Gus was nearby. “Why would anyone need to know what planes are flying above your head?” I muttered. Gus replied without looking up: “So you know who you’re waving at, Mommy.”

Gus had never noticed Siri before, but when he discovered there was someone who would not just find information on his various obsessions (trains, planes, buses, escalators and, of course, anything related to weather) but actually semi-discuss these subjects tirelessly, he was hooked. And I was grateful. Now, when my head was about to explode if I had to have another conversation about the chance of tornadoes in Kansas City, Mo., I could reply brightly: “Hey! Why don’t you ask Siri?”

It’s not that Gus doesn’t understand Siri’s not human. He does — intellectually. But like many autistic people I know, Gus feels that inanimate objects, while maybe not possessing souls, are worthy of our consideration. I realized this when he was 8, and I got him an iPod for his birthday. He listened to it only at home, with one exception. It always came with us on our visits to the Apple Store. Finally, I asked why. “So it can visit its friends,” he said.

So how much more worthy of his care and affection is Siri, with her soothing voice, puckish humor and capacity for talking about whatever Gus’s current obsession is for hour after hour after bleeding hour? Online critics have claimed that Siri’s voice recognition is not as accurate as the assistant in, say, the Android, but for some of us, this is a feature, not a bug. Gus speaks as if he has marbles in his mouth, but if he wants to get the right response from Siri, he must enunciate clearly. (So do I. I had to ask Siri to stop referring to the user as Judith, and instead use the name Gus. “You want me to call you Goddess?” Siri replied. Imagine how tempted I was to answer, “Why, yes.”)

She is also wonderful for someone who doesn’t pick up on social cues: Siri’s responses are not entirely predictable, but they are predictably kind — even when Gus is brusque. I heard him talking to Siri about music, and Siri offered some suggestions. “I don’t like that kind of music,” Gus snapped. Siri replied, “You’re certainly entitled to your opinion.” Siri’s politeness reminded Gus what he owed Siri. “Thank you for that music, though,” Gus said. Siri replied, “You don’t need to thank me.” “Oh, yes,” Gus added emphatically, “I do.”

Siri even encourages polite language. Gus’s twin brother, Henry (neurotypical and therefore as obnoxious as every other 13-year-old boy), egged Gus on to spew a few choice expletives at Siri. “Now, now,” she sniffed, followed by, “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

CreditLouie Chin

Gus is hardly alone in his Siri love. For children like Gus who love to chatter but don’t quite understand the rules of the game, Siri is a nonjudgmental friend and teacher. Nicole Colbert, whose son, Sam, is in my son’s class at LearningSpring, a (lifesaving) school for autistic children in Manhattan, said: “My son loves getting information on his favorite subjects, but he also just loves the absurdity — like, when Siri doesn’t understand him and gives him a nonsense answer, or when he poses personal questions that elicit funny responses. Sam asked Siri how old she was, and she said, ‘I don’t talk about my age,’ which just cracked him up.”

But perhaps it also gave him a valuable lesson in etiquette. Gus almost invariably tells me, “You look beautiful,” right before I go out the door in the morning; I think it was first Siri who showed him that you can’t go wrong with that line.

Of course, most of us simply use our phone’s personal assistants as an easy way to access information. For example, thanks to Henry and the question he just asked Siri, I now know that there is a website called Celebrity Bra Sizes.

But the companionability of Siri is not limited to those who have trouble communicating. We’ve all found ourselves like the writer Emily Listfield, having little conversations with her/him at one time or another. “I was in the middle of a breakup, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself,” Ms. Listfield said. “It was midnight and I was noodling around on my iPhone, and I asked Siri, ‘Should I call Richard?’ Like this app is a Magic 8 Ball. Guess what: not a Magic 8 Ball. The next thing I hear is, ‘Calling Richard!’ and dialing.” Ms. Listfield has forgiven Siri, and has recently considered changing her into a male voice. “But I’m worried he won’t answer when I ask a question,” she said. “He’ll just pretend he doesn’t hear.”

Siri can be oddly comforting, as well as chummy. One friend reports: “I was having a bad day and jokingly turned to Siri and said, ‘I love you,’ just to see what would happen, and she answered, ‘You are the wind beneath my wings.’ And you know, it kind of cheered me up.”

(Of course, I don’t know what my friend is talking about. Because I wouldn’t be at all cheered if I happened to ask Siri, in a low moment, “Do I look fat in these jeans?” and Siri answered, “You look fabulous.”)

For most of us, Siri is merely a momentary diversion. But for some, it’s more. My son’s practice conversation with Siri is translating into more facility with actual humans. Yesterday I had the longest conversation with him that I’ve ever had. Admittedly, it was about different species of turtles and whether I preferred the red-eared slider to the diamond-backed terrapin. This might not have been my choice of topic, but it was back and forth, and it followed a logical trajectory. I can promise you that for most of my beautiful son’s 13 years of existence, that has not been the case

CreditLouie Chin

The developers of intelligent assistants recognize their uses to those with speech and communication problems — and some are thinking of new ways the assistants can help. According to the folks at SRI International, the research and development company where Siri began before Apple bought the technology, the next generation of virtual assistants will not just retrieve information — they will also be able to carry on more complex conversations about a person’s area of interest. “Your son will be able to proactively get information about whatever he’s interested in without asking for it, because the assistant will anticipate what he likes,” said William Mark, vice president for information and computing sciences at SRI.

The assistant will also be able to reach children where they live. Ron Suskind, whose new book, “Life, Animated,” chronicles how his autistic son came out of his shell through engagement with Disney characters, is talking to SRI about having assistants for those with autism that can be programmed to speak in the voice of the character that reaches them — for his son, perhaps Aladdin; for mine, either Kermit or Lady Gaga, either of which he is infinitely more receptive to than, say, his mother. (Mr. Suskind came up with the perfect name, too: not virtual assistants, but “sidekicks.”)

Mr. Mark said he envisions assistants whose help is also visual. “For example, the assistant would be able to track eye movements and help the autistic learn to look you in the eye when talking,” he said.

“See, that’s the wonderful thing about technology being able to help with some of these behaviors,” he added. “Getting results requires a lot of repetition. Humans are not patient. Machines are very, very patient.”

I asked Mr. Mark if he knew whether any of the people who worked on Siri’s language development at Apple were on the spectrum. “Well, of course, I don’t know for certain,” he said, thoughtfully. “But, when you think about it, you’ve just described half of Silicon Valley.”

Of all the worries the parent of an autistic child has, the uppermost is: Will he find love? Or even companionship? Somewhere along the line, I am learning that what gives my guy happiness is not necessarily the same as what gives me happiness. Right now, at his age, a time when humans can be a little overwhelming even for the average teenager, Siri makes Gus happy. She is his sidekick. Last night, as he was going to bed, there was this matter-of-fact exchange:

Gus: “Siri, will you marry me?”

Photo

Siri: “I’m not the marrying kind.”

Gus: “I mean, not now. I’m a kid. I mean when I’m grown up.”

Siri: “My end user agreement does not include marriage.”

Gus: “Oh, O.K.”

Gus didn’t sound too disappointed. This was useful information to have, and for me too, since it was the first time I knew that he actually thought about marriage. He turned over to go to sleep:

Gus: “Goodnight, Siri. Will you sleep well tonight?”

Siri: “I don’t need much sleep, but it’s nice of you to ask.”

Very nice.

The Language of Love

The 5 Love Languages for Children

Last week someone loaned me this book: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I’ve been impressed, and I will share what I’ve gleaned from this very readable, practical and loving little gem of a book. It is helpful for parents of typical children, and may be especially useful for children with special needs.

The 5 Love Languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. While all of them are important, usually, after age 5, one of them becomes primary. Before age 5, use them all generously. Most of us love our children, but sometimes they do not feel our unconditional love. And perhaps it is because we are not showing them our love behaviorally in their primary language. Sometimes, even when we don’t feel loving because of stress, work, a fight with spouse, or any number of other reasons, we can still behave lovingly.

Let’s take them one at a time and I’ll give you some examples from the book, as well as my life and clinical practice with children.

Physical Touch: Hugging, stroking their hair, rubbing their back, playful wrestling, piggy back rides or rides on shoulders, kissing hello and good bye, holding hands, snuggle while watching a movie, allowing or encouraging children to sit on your lap. These are just a few. I’m sure you can think of more.

One of the problems with a child who has touch as a primary love language and doesn’t get it, is that s/he may seek it elsewhere inappropriately. 

And there are children with sensory issues who do not like touch. With them, it is important to respect that and at the same time, find some tolerable way to give them a little. A mother told me once that her daughter really was averse to physical touch. Yet when they watched movies, especially on her computer they would touch their heads together and it felt like the sweetest thing in the world. 

If as a parent you are uncomfortable with touch and your child’s primary love language is touch, it will be important to find some way to touch your child at least once a day and build up from there. It can also be helpful to touch your own skin, rubbing your arm gently, and your shoulders and even your ankle and legs. That will help you become more comfortable with touch.

Words of Affirmation: Telling them something specific that they did and that you really appreciated; putting a word of encouragement or a compliment in their lunchbox, or frame a child’s drawing telling them why it means so much to you. If you have to be out of town, write a note for every day you are away letting the child know you are thinking of them. Be specific with praise (not “what a great picture”.....but rather,  “I love the red in that picture”, or “I get the feeling of movement from how you drew that...how did you do that?” Put a long sheet of butcher paper on the back of their bedroom door and write something complimentary every day about what your child did or said. These words become like deposits in an emotional bank of sorts. And when the going gets rough the child can go to the bank and remember/feel the praise and beautiful effort that the parent recognized and put into words. That can provide emotional support in a dark time.

Quality Time is just what it says: spending time with your undivided attention on your child, talking, laughing, playing. The book has 2 pages of suggestions if you need some ideas. In my practice, I usually recommend scheduled, regular quality time with each child every week. The child will look forward to it and it becomes like sacred time, especially if there is more than one child at home. But even for only children, this time with undivided attention is invaluable. I did this with my daughter for years. It was not an easy task to not use the phone or computer, to not fit in a load of laundry, or to not let anything else get in the way of that 30 minutes once a week. I know she loved it and felt closer to me, but I was amazed at how much closer I felt to her. Actually the first time we did it, a lot of anger came out. She was aggressive with the toys. I asked what she was angry about and it all came tumbling out. It was mostly about the divorce, going back and forth, and how much busier I was. I was able to hear and listen in a way that I hadn’t done as well previously. It became a lovely ritual for us. And in my office, a father told me that when he took his son to the park, he was annoyed that his son kept asking him to play with him. He wanted him to go off and play with the other children. But with some reflection, he could see his son wanted to play with HIM, not anyone else.

Gifts: At first I bristled against this idea. I don’t want children to become entitled or expect gifts constantly. But what I got from this is that sometimes gifts make a child feel special, loved and seen, especially when given unexpectedly. I had a mother who bought her child a small gift every payday. The child loved the gifts and it made her feel loved. You can find a feather and wrap it up or present it in a special box, or gather a bouquet of wild flowers, or dedicate a song to him/her, or buy tickets to a concert that you know h/she will love, or create a treasure hunt with a map to the treasure. It is the surprise of the gift and the knowing what the child likes, that will deepen the love bond between parent and child. There’s nothing like feeling seen!

Acts of Service: One mother told me the best thing she could do for her children was make them a sandwich. Acts of service are times when we do things for our children that we don’t normally do for them, like cleaning their room or doing a chore that is usually theirs. It is also helpful to do acts of service in the community together, like volunteering at a soup kitchen, or donating toys to a shelter.

You have to watch your child carefully to discover which one is their primary love language. Sometimes you can give your child a choice of how to spend time together, offering two from different categories and see which they prefer. For example, “I have some free time tonight. Would you rather watch a movie and snuggle on the couch or go buy you a new pair of tennis shoes?” (Quality time, with physical touch tucked in there, or a gift.)

I highly recommend the book. Speaking your child’s love language can help your child receive on a deeper level the love you have to give.

Frustration…..How To Deal With It

Frustration......How to Deal With It

We decided to dedicate this week’s Mom’s Group for Mom’s of Children With Special Needs to FRUSTRATION. But you know, it applies to every parent and spouse. Who among us has not felt frustrated by our child or a lover or a friend? 

We asked for examples of frustration. There were so many.  I will  focus only on one here. Almost every one of us were frustrated by our kids not brushing their teeth. That was a surprise to me. I thought I was the only one who had a child who refused to brush. In retrospect, I think it is a sensory issue because most of our children have these sensory issues, and brushing hurts in a way, and feels intrusive in another way. One Mom said she wished her child had all her teeth! Due to overcrowding, some permanent teeth had to be removed and she was given a partial dental plate. But sometimes she doesn’t wear it, and the mother would be so frustrated/put off by that. Our children with Special Needs somehow don’t really care how others perceive them, whether it be odd clothes, bad breath, or social faux pas. But it does frustrate us, who keep giving them advice and direction, all the while trying not to be intrusive, even though we are. One mother told us she keeps a toothbrush in the car for her and her children and they brush at red  lights on the way to school making it kind of a game and easing the tension around this important self care task. On and on, the examples became comical to us as we related to each and every one of them. One mother said that she realized with relief that her children were not the only ones who were weird. Our fear that they will be excluded socially or be rejected and isolated drives our “nagging”behavior and intrusiveness.

But what is a mother to do? Well, first of all we need to heed the saying from AAA....H.A.L.T.... for us and our child. Don’t get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired. These, or even one of these, is a set up for children to meltdown, not listen, act out. And for we mothers, they can rob us of the stamina and patience we need to deal with a dysregulated child. 

We can reach out to a friend or someone who will understand, we can take a short time out for ourselves ( a bathroom trip, or go to our bedroom to breathe and self talk, calming ourselves); ask a spouse or partner to take over for a bit while we pull ourselves together. Probably there are other strategies you have come up with, which I would love to hear about.

But then there is the repair routine created by The Circle of Security team. (The Circle of Security Intervention by Bert Powell, Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman, and Bob Marvin

The first is when we are upset and our child is upset, we need to calm ourselves and remember that we need to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. And remember our child needs us, no matter what.

Secondly when we are calm enough and our child is still upset, we need to take charge so our child is not too out of control. Sometimes it is helpful to change location like taking a walk outside or going to a designated “time-in” spot where we are together until feelings begin to change. 

We help our child bring words to his/her feelings. (“You seem really upset. I wonder if you are angry? You don’t like it when I say no to you. Does that make you feel like I don’t care about you or what you want?”)

Then we can acknowledge our feelings.(“When you throw things at me, I feel scared and worried”).

Stay with your child until s/he is calm enough. Stay in charge and stay sympathetic.

When both of us are calm enough, we can use words to help the child talk about the feelings and needs s/he is struggling with by listening and talking together.

Then we can talk about new ways of dealing with this problem when it comes up in the future. It is helpful for children to have more options of how to deal with difficult feelings. This bodes well for dealing with future issues.

And what the Circle of Security says is that “bottom line it is the relationship (and only the relationship ) that will build my child’s capacity to organize his/her feelings.” Ruptures in relationship are rooted in a need to reconnect. When we remain in charge as someone who is bigger, stronger, wiser and kind, feelings will settle and he relationship can be repaired.

There is no such thing as a relationship that does not have rupture. The key and strength of the relationship depends on the repair, the quality of the repair. So when we feel like we have blown it, we can use this repair routine and reconnect lovingly with our child. 

And one last thing.....some of our children have really annoying habits. Often they are self-soothing or sensory integration issues. Our children have little control over them. Shaming them only makes them feel badly about themselves. We need to soothe ourselves and have compassion for them whenever we can.

Bless you for what you do for your child!

Tell me YOUR stories.

A Mother's Aching Heart

What Do You Do When Your Heart Is Aching and Breaking For Your Child?

In some ways I am so lucky and blessed to have my daughter be so successful. She is smart and articulate. She is wickedly funny. She is careful with her (my) money. She is responsible and honest. I love her politics!  And she is in college pursuing her passion. What could be the problem?

She is lonely. She has a hard time initiating with friends and waits to be called or texted. When no one does, she feels no one likes her and that she is all alone in the world. I don’t know what to say, then. If I tell her how awesome she is she responds with, “You are my mother. You are supposed to feel that way”. It doesn’t help her feel better at all. If I give her advice (oh God.....dreaded mother advice) like maybe you could invite someone to do something with you. She says she doesn’t know what to do and if she can’t even get a response to texting “Hey, what’s up?”, she doesn’t think anyone will respond to an invitation. She is isolated and doesn’t leave her apartment for days. 

Argh! My heart breaks for her. And she doesn’t want to come visit me or have me visit her. Without the structure of school, she is at loose ends. So I try to listen empathically. And then she reassures me that she is fine and will be okay. She knows my heart is aching for her.

I’m imagining that there are many mothers of kids with Special Needs whose hearts break and ache for their children every day. When they come home from school having been bullied, or mocked, or left out, or the last to be chosen on a team, what can we do? For them; for ourselves?  Our kids have to deal with a cruel world that misunderstands them and doesn’t support them in the ways that are needed.

 And  parents who have children with a chronic illness, or a mental illness.....how do they maintain an attitude of bigger, stronger, wiser and kind? How do we listen reflectively? How do we not  pathologize them or infantilize them. And how do we keep ourselves and them from being in a state of denial refusing to address the reality of the situation. How do we not give up on them? How do we face hopelessness? 

How do we explain them to judgmental, “well meaning” friends, teachers, acquaintances and relatives who infer or directly accuse us of poor parenting? How do we deal with our beloved child’s isolation; as well as our own?

I would love to hear from you readers about how you have dealt with this in your own situation. For me, I have run the gamut. At first, I worried silently. I loved her with all my heart, and yet I knew something was wrong. Her Dad thought I was being critical of her and seeing problems when they were not there. I think this is typical in many families where one parent senses something is off and the other defends the child, causing a rift between the  parents. This can go on for years and is so painful to both parents who have different views on what is happening and very different styles of dealing with their children.

After worrying silently, I went to professionals for assessments and evaluations trying to gain more understanding. This is an extremely costly endeavor and invokes such anxiety in parents and children. The parents are scared to death to find out something frightening and the child, no matter how young, is wondering what is wrong with me? Why am I going to all these doctors?

As a child therapist, I do my best to help families with this phase. I am able to use non -judgmental language, and accurate descriptions to help everyone understand what is going on. I must say that I have had mostly great experiences with this, probably because I have been there and know how to talk to the parents and kids with love and compassion about differences.

My next phase was trying to change the world for my daughter. I was in the school helping the school counselor devise empathy training to help the other kids understand her differences. The counselor told me she had done this in my daughter’s 6th grade classroom, and described to her classmates how kids with asperger’s syndrome have no sixth sense (social sense). And that can make them seem awkward or “strange”. But it is not their fault; just like it is not a blind person’s fault if they can’t see. And you wouldn’t make fun of a blind person or tell a blind person to cross the street without assistance, would you? In the same way, the child with a social difficulty needs help and understanding; not derisiveness or tricks being played on them. My daughter apparently raised her hand and said, “That’s me. That’s what I have.” (So asperger’s -like to do that). And several classmates apologized to her right then and there. She  stood up and said, “I will accept your apologies. But you shouldn’t make fun of anyone for any reason.” My heart swelled with pride, but it was also aching for her. She was so vulnerable.

And on it goes. I advocated for her. I tried to raise consciousness about kids with Special Needs. I fought the school system to get her accomodations. I wrote about anti-bullying in the newspaper. But I often cried myself to sleep and worried. I believed in her and knew she would be an outstanding human being. But when your child suffers, you suffer.

As I’ve said before, having other mothers of children with Special Needs to talk to has been invaluable. Finding self compassion has been helpful. And at some moments, I find this awesome connection with her. That makes my heart sing.

Please share your stories with me. It takes us reaching out to each other and saying, “I feel you. I feel your pain”  to bear an aching heart. Bless you for all you bear for yourselves and your children. We need each other and they need us.

Self Compassion

Self Compassion

We talked about self compassion in our Mom’s group this week and it brought a lot of emotions up for me. So I thought I would write about it and see if it touches a chord with anyone else.

I’ve learned about self compassion from Kristen Neff, Brenee Brown and Oprah, to mention a few resources. (You can google their names and self compassion....many youtube videos will come up). I’ll give you my interpretation of it. Self compassion is loving and caring for yourself the way you would for a dear friend. It is having unconditional understanding and empathy for yourself. 

Why is this so difficult? Why does it not come naturally for us? Why do we have to learn it? Why does it seem foreign to us? 

For me, I think I confused it with narcissism, selfishness, or even pride which was one of those seven deadly sins in the Catholic church. It seemed counter intuitive. When something “bad” happens, like a car accident, or a child melting down in a store, or a bounced check, or someone screaming at you, shouldn’t you feel shame and and want to hide? Shouldn’t you “take responsibility” for your part and beat your breast with mea culpas? OMG this could last for days or longer. Shouldn’t you beg for forgiveness and say how “bad/wrong” you were?

And then there is our culture of shame and wish for punishment/revenge. Our culture wants to make poor people feel like it is their fault for living in poverty. Isn’t this the land of opportunity? NOT. Our culture makes victims of crime like rape or domestic violence or racial inequality feel shame. Our culture makes parents of children with Special Needs who act out when over stimulated or act inappropriately in public situations feel shame. How sad this is. Sometimes this feeling of shame can last for years: sadly, even a lifetime.

Most of us were not treated with compassion as children when we did wrong, or when we were needy and alone. How could we develop self compassion if it was not shown to us? 

When was the last time you felt understood/cared for by being shamed and blamed? And did that admonishment make you feel like you wanted to do the “right” thing? Often parents shame their children when they lie, thinking it will help correct this behavior. But usually what happens is they lie more, because they feel shame for their behavior and can not stand more shaming.

I remember telling my daughter that if she did something wrong and told me the truth about it, she would get a “small” consequence. But if she lied about it, she would get a much bigger consequence. I had this conversation with her, on our way to Kaiser where I needed to run in and pick up some meds. She was about 9 and wanted to stay in the car by herself. I locked her in and told her to stay there. When I came back, she was in the back seat and had obviously been in and out of the car. I asked her what she had done. She thought about it and asked me if it was true that if she told the truth there would only be a small consequence. I assured her, yes I would keep my word. So she told me she had had to go to the bathroom and got out of the car and peed in the parking lot because she didn’t dare to leave the car to go in to the clinic. She had just gotten back in when I arrived. I understood she was trying to do what I said by not “leaving the car”, but she was in a bind and had to pee. I was not thrilled that she peed in the parking lot, but I got her dilemma. I could have shamed her and told her to never pee outside in public like that. But I chose not to and she escaped a consequence. We eventually developed an ethic of trust and openness. No shame, no blame.

So when it comes to ourselves, how do we have self compassion?  Kristen Neff recommends wrapping our arms around ourselves, or holding our own hands, or putting our hands over our heart. Physical touch is so comforting. She says, “we can be soothing with ourselves, saying that this is a tough situation. So difficult. Oooooouuuuu, sweetie, this is hard”. We can comfort ourselves the way we would a child or best friend. We would never tell a friend that she is irresponsible and stupid to bounce a check or to have gotten into a fender bender. Why would we speak to ourselves that way?

I was lucky in a way to know that God loved/loves me unconditionally (one of the few, but important benefits of Catholicism). When I learned about self compassion, I tried to embody God speaking to me.  S/he was all loving, all knowing, all understanding and compassionate. That’s how I found my own self compassion.

As mothers of children with Special Needs we need to find that self compassionate voice.... either someone you know, imagine, or make up. It is essential to healthy functioning when we live in this critical culture. And I believe, the more self compassion we have, the more we will attract people with like minds. And the better able we will be to give this to our children, who so need it. Living with Special Needs as a child or parent is daunting in our culture. Please check out self compassion on YouTube and practice it daily.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Much love and compassion to each and every one of you.

Shark Music

Shark Music

I have mentioned several times in this blog,  the training I have received in The Circle of Security Parenting Program, as well as the book, The Circle of Security Intervention by Powell, Cooper Hoffman and Marvin, 2014.

One of the most powerful concepts in Circle of Security is that of “shark music”. Basically this is the experience of a caregiver being triggered by her child. It is responding to a safe need that the child is expressing as though it were dangerous. 

In the DVD video clip a scene is shown with music of a trail to an ocean beach. It looks like a beautiful peaceful scene, like a place you could walk and feel serene and comfortable. The camera follows the path down to the beach and we see the glorious Pacific ocean while the music from Pachebel’s Canon (sweet, calm, classical music) plays in the background. Then the same exact video clip is played, except this time it is the music from the movie Jaws. As we follow the camera down to the beach, we have a sense of impending doom; like something terrible, terrifying is about to happen. It is quite a difference. Then we are told that the background music we play in our heads determines our state of mind when responding to our child’s needs. If our child’s need creates a sense of terrifying danger in us, we will not be able to respond in a way that meets our child’s need. We call this “shark music” playing in our heads.

Why does this happen? “We do unto others as we’re done to.”(Selma Fraiberg, 1980) The parenting we received colors/influences our reactions and responses to our children’s needs.

A baby begins to cry and fuss. The mother feels rejected, helpless and triggered. She tells the child to stop crying in a harsh tone, which makes the baby cry even more. The mother becomes dysregulated/upset. She wants the child to calm down to take care of her own need to not feel rejected. By gentle inquiry into the mother’s response, we discover that she was rejected by her mother when she expressed need for comfort. This baby’s mother unconsciously fears her child’s need for comfort, because when she expressed it, she was punished or reprimanded. She learned to shut that need down and now is trying to teach her baby to do the same thing.....at a great cost to the baby. When we can uncover the reason for these automatic responses, we can then have more awareness of our behavior and hopefully we can allow ourselves to choose to respond differently. 

In my practice I have taught this concept to many parents. Some even use “my shark music is going off” as code to the other parent for “I can’t handle this right now, can you please take over for a few minutes while I collect myself?” Parents tell me this is so helpful and non shaming. Each gets the other’s alarm and distress and can help by coming in to meet the child’s need in an appropriate way.

I was at my friend’s house when his little boy was having a melt down in the kitchen. The father was cooking dinner and the boy was hungry, protesting that he didn’t like what the father was cooking. He was crying at his father’s feet with his arms around his father’s ankles, making it impossible for him to move without potentially stepping on his son. Food was sizzling on the stove. He yelled to me, saying, “Can you come in here and get Joey? I can’t deal with him right now!” Of course, I went in and picked Joey up and brought him to another room holding him and comforting him. Fortunately, he was able to be distracted and soothed, and we had a wonderful dinner together soon after that.

These are the examples I heard just this week regarding parents experiencing shark music:

*siblings fighting and screaming in the back seat of the car while parent is driving in stressful traffic

*19 year old daughter face times her mother while daughter is drinking vodka from a bottle and walking down the middle of the street in traffic

*21 year old daughter tells her mother if mother really loved her, she would pay her $1100. roaming fees

*teen steals parent’s credit card info and parent discovers $800. charges from an internet website

*parent who lost a sibling to traffic accident discovers her son with autism and poor balance, riding his scooter through the neighborhood without permission

In each of these it is difficult to see what the child needs from the parent who is so upset and triggered.  And it is hard not to respond in a shaming, punitive way. All of these parents did get a handle on their shark music, given some time and reflection, and were able to repair their connection with their child. 

The driving parent was able to acknowledge that he used a mean voice with the children and that he scared them. He acknowledged that they were hungry and hot and tired. They really needed him to pull off the road and give them some food and water and regroup. He promised to do that next time.

The mother realized her daughter had just had a traumatizing event and daughter did not know what else to do except try to numb herself and then do something really scary to get her mother’s attention. When the mother calmed her shark music down, she was able to get help for the daughter and then they had a heart to heart talk repairing their connection.

After the mother of the 21 year old got over her furor with her daughter’s sense of entitlement, she addressed the issue of love with her daughter.  She described how love was also teaching her daughter to be fiscally responsible.

The mother so frightened for her son’s safety realized she needed to be able to tolerate her anxiety so her son would be able to discuss his need for independence without getting a non compromising “NO”.

In my own experience, having a child with special needs in and of itself set off my shark music. Was it my fault, could I “make” her ‘look’ neurotypical, how could I explain this to my parents and family? Would they accept her? My shark music was going much of the time in those early years. When we have neuro-atypical children, it can be very challenging to see what our child’s need is apart from what is socially acceptable. My child needed to sleep in my bed until she was 5. I discouraged this at first, hearing my mother’s voice telling me I was spoiling her. I dutifully put her back in her own bed twice a night. After reflecting on this, I finally “got” that she really needed to sleep with her father and me. And so it was....no more struggle. It was my shark music coming from my mother who shunned any “neediness” on my part that kept me shoving her away. We need to find a way to acknowledge our shark music, put it aside, and tend to our child’s needs. And if we can’t do it in the moment, we can repair it soon thereafter.

As always, I invite you to share your stories of shark music with me in the comments section of the blog. 

And again, as always, bless each and every one of you for all you do for your children.

They may not be able to thank you or appreciate the difficult and awesome job you are

doing, but I want to acknowledge your love and your willingness to reflect in making your relationship with your child meaningful and connected.

Summer Envy

Summer Envy

I read a piece in the NYT this morning http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/25/nyregion/sympathy-for-the-working-mother.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=0 called Summertime Sympathy for the Working Mother. It was basically about the envy/longing that working mothers (who will be at their out of the home job, all summer) feel toward Moms who can leave the City with their children for a month or more to go to the beach in Croatia or Maine or Cape Cod, or go to a family tennis camp for the month of August, or just spend the summer days being with their children on trips to San Francisco, Disneyland, or the San Juan Islands.

I remember feeling that way when my daughter was in all those camps the YMCA put on, “enriching” summer school programs, and swimming lessons. I had been hopeful that they would provide some sort of stimulation, fun and even creativity while simultaneously serving the main purpose of providing child care. I don’t think there was one program that she liked. And she came home from the first day of “enrichment summer school” saying dejectedly,  “ Mom, you won’t believe it. Recess is TWICE as long in summer school.” She hated recess, always; but even more so in the summer. It was hot. There was no structure provided. No games, no inside board games, no card games, no art, no one helping outside getting the kids involved with each other. She was ignored by most kids. She had to stay outside feeling alone, bored and uncomfortable. I marched down to the school and complained. Couldn’t they offer something for the kids who didn’t play on the bars, or play basketball? I was angry.

I acted outraged. But nothing changed. I felt horrible. I had to send my child to a place she hated, so I could work, when I would have loved to have stayed home with her... I think, or so I thought.

On the other hand, imagine being a stay at home Mom because you have a child/children with Special Needs and you can not afford child care or camp, and there is no summer school for your child. Long summer days are spent trying to keep your children from playing endless video games or watching Youtube videos or fighting with each other. The children seem listless, uninterested in reading or sports or riding their bikes. Some hate the water. Some hate being outside. Some want to sleep all day.

Hey, going to work every morning seems like a piece of cake compared to this. You know they should be doing some reading, writing and arithmetic during the summer months to keep them from falling behind. (Statistics say that it takes until November for kids to catch up to where they were in June if they do no school work over the summer).

More guilt. Try to get an ADHD kid to read a book or write a story over summer. Try to get a kid with Oppositional Defiant Disorder to do pages in a math book a half an hour a day all summer. Probably not going to happen.

So I’ll tell you what I did when my daughter turned 11 and she refused all those camps, lessons and programs. It’s not a perfect solution and won’t work for everyone. But maybe it will spark an idea for some of you.

Yes, my daughter was “addicted” to video games, she loved TV, and she hated going to what she called, “the foreign land, ‘the out of doors’. UGH! How could this be happening? Couldn’t I MAKE her go outside, swim, read, watch good historical movies, journal? Couldn’t I FORBID her from watching TV and playing video games? (I love the book “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kids”!! which talks about parents who can do that). Not without having a very, very unhappy 11 or 12 year old. No one wants their kid to be miserable all summer. Or angry and sullen with you most of the time. 

I did institute an hour for hour outside time for TV and video games. So she had to be outside for an hour in order to get an hour of video gaming or an hour of TV. She could ride her bike or swim or she could even read outside and then she could get her beloved video or TV show. Mostly that worked, but it wasn’t easy. She wore me down some days.

The best thing was inspired by a group of us mothers at a Memorial Day picnic. We were all in a dilemma about the summer. Some of us worked outside the home and some did not. There were about 5 or 6 of us. We decided to “sign up” for days to have the kids “play together” with no video games or TV. I didn’t work on Fridays that summer so I volunteered to have the kids about 5 Fridays during the summer. I had between 5 and 6 kids each time. We went tubing on the Russian River,  to Golden Gate park to visit the science hall and the planetarium, and to Great America. I also created an art day in the back yard with paints and clay. One parent took the kids to China Town in San Francisco. One parent took the kids to a water park. Another parent hosted an  outdoor adventure in their wooded half an acre back yard. And one day we agreed they could play video games together for 2 hours with a bike ride to follow. I still needed to have a child care person for her on the days there were no get togethers. But it sure  helped to have some days where she was with kids she liked doing something stimulating.

Other parents have shared with me that they hosted an art show of their daughter’s paintings and art creations inviting neighbors and adult friends. It took many days to  create the exhibits and the art show party was complete with snacks and drinks. I was invited and it was quite festive. That talented girl was beaming!!

My daughter in later years did co-create a kind of kid’s newspaper with news of the friends and what they were doing. My daughter did the cartoons using her friends as the characters. This was very cool.....but of course it didn’t last long. Follow through in Summer is difficult at best.

And I know some of you have children with no friends. Summertime Sympathy is deserved for Mothers of children with Special Needs whether the Moms work all summer or are home all summer. or a combination there of. As this Memorial Day signals the beginning of summer, please know I get the agony summer can bring. Bless each and every one of you for all you do.

And if you don’t do anything amazing for your child, please have self compassion and be kind to yourself. YOU are AMAZING raising your child in the best way you know how.