Understanding

Understanding

I believe that all behavior makes sense if we can understand it. But understanding is really difficult when it comes to a child with Special Needs, especially if the Special Need(s) has/have not been identified yet.

Take, for example, the 2 year old who kept squeezing the other kids in Gymboree until they screamed with horror and fright. Why would a two year old do that?  No matter how the child was reprimanded, shown another way to connect, and overly supervised, it kept happening. Other parents were beginning to stay away from the Mom and child. Other children seemed frightened and avoided the child. What could be going on?

The Mother was worried and confused about her child. Maybe she shouldn’t take him out in public? Or maybe it was the other children not accepting this boy’s overture of a zealous hug?

And then there was the child who bit in preschool. This happened again and again, no matter what the teachers or parents said to the child. And then they realised the child was an only child and overwhemed trying to navigate social give and take. Finally, they told the child to yell, “help” when the child felt overwhelmed and the teachers responded immediately to help facilitate the difficulty. The child never bit again.

But initially, the parent was humiliated and embarrassed. Where do you turn? 

There’s a great book called The Out of Sync Child which helps parents and professionals understand sensory integration difficulties.

 And children on the Spectrum have very sensitive sensory systems...you know the 5 senses of touch, hearing, smell, vision, and taste?

Like the middle schooler who would run to the bathroom to vomit because the smell of the lunch room nauseated her.....every day. 

Like the child who could not stand to be at the Mall because of the overwhelm of the lights and noise and amount of people. 

Like the child who needed ear plugs to go to the movie theater because it was too loud. Like the child who would gag when “forced” to eat meat or even alfredo sauce on pasta, or tomatoes.

Like the child who could not stand the feel of the rib of the toe on her socks, and would rip them off as soon as they were put on by Mom.

Like the inability to ride a bike until age 9 or 10 because of the visual spatial difficulties with sensory issues.

I could name a hundred more; but hopefully you get the gist of this.

At first when this happens, we have some patience and then gradually get more and more annoyed, if we do not understand that this is not willful behavior, rather neurophysiology. But most of us were raised with impatience and an attitude of “just do it”. 

Sports was big in my family. One of my father’s goals with me was to teach me to throw a ball.....NOT like a girl. And by gosh, he succeeded. I was a first base person on our school’s softball team, and I learned to throw and catch a football pretty well. I was athletic and I loved playing sports with my Dad. He didn’t care that his first two children were girls...he taught us to play baseball and football and I must say he was very disappointed when I became a cheerleader instead of going out for girl’s basketball.

Before I had children I worked with a boy whose parents were really supportive of him playing soccer. The boy resisted, was found climbing the net in the goal area during the first practice, and was off picking daisies in the field for the rest of the time. When I asked this child what was going on, he said, “How would you like it if you knew that 16 arms and legs were coming straight at you and that they could kick a ball into your head or your stomach which would knock the wind out of you? And you would feel like you are going to die?” OOUUUUH.....now that made sense to me. He was on sensory overload and could not manage his fear of being hurt. That was pure panic to him. And pain seemed like death to him. This was his experience....not an over exaggeration.

He needed understanding and acceptance of how he viewed and experienced his world.....not dismissive disdain.  This is hard to do if you have had no experience with children being that sensitive, frightened, overwhelmed and daunted. 

So in our effort to not ‘baby” our kids, sometimes we are overly dismissive of their self experience. This can be in the form of shame and criticism which can get embedded in to their psyches.

We need to look at why our child’s difficulty is so triggering for us....to help us understand both what is going on with us, so we can set it aside; and what is going on with our child in order for us to truly “be with” our child in their own self experience. When  we can do that with empathy and compassion, as well as understanding, we will better be able to help our children organize their feelings and accept themselves for who they are as well as who they are not.