Coping Skills

Coping

This week in our Mom’s group we explored what we had needed to cope with when we were 8 years old and what coping skills we used then. We looked at what of those coping skills we are still relying on that are no longer necessary; and what healthy coping skills we have now or want to develop.

Going back to our 8 year old life was difficult for most. There were dysfunctional families, parents who were alcoholics, parents who were suffering from mental illness, sexual abuse, parents who were so absorbed in their own turbulence that they didn’t notice the depression and anxiety that was plaguing their children.  It was painful to write about and revisit; but I think we felt seen and heard by each other, something we didn’t get when we were 8. Interestingly enough, as we looked around the room, we all had chosen people helping professions. Somehow surviving the traumas of childhood created a desire to help others and prevent or minister to those suffering now.

If you would like to do this exercise, draw with your non-dominant hand a picture of yourself at 8. Then write/list the qualities of your 8 year old self and write about what she had to cope with. Now write how she coped; what were her coping skills?

The coping skills we shared about were varied: reading, athletics, getting good grades in school, performing well to get attention, finding welcoming friends and their families to hang out with as much as possible, bullying, living in a fantasy world, taking care of younger siblings, praying, relying on Grandma and so on. Most of these are positive, but could become ones that are no longer needed, like living in a fantasy world, bullying, taking care of others to the detriment of self care, and a need to perform well to avoid self condemnation.

My 8 year old self was coping with an alcoholic mother and a physician father who worked a great deal. I was anxious and depressed and was made to feel bad about that by my mother. As most parents in the 50’s my mother wanted me to “snap out of it” and was not really capable of empathy. For me, God became a compassionate other, all knowing and all loving. I developed a fantasy about God helping me and I anxiously prayed constantly.

 I had a 5 year old sister and a 2 year old brother. I totally was in love with my brother and did a lot of care taking for him. Our next door neighbors had a baby girl, at that time, who I loved to push in the stroller before her naps. Eventually I babysat for them 5 nights a week. They owned the drive-in movie theater and needed someone to care for the baby almost every night. I went over and washed the dishes, cleaned the house a bit, and played with the baby. After she fell asleep, I fell asleep until the parents came home. I think care taking was a coping skill and it made me feel loved and important. To this day, I am a care taker and mostly I love it, but I can do it to the point of depletion and exhaustion at times.

 At this time in my life I have finally developed some healthy coping skills.  Working in my garden, watching movies, getting guidance from my consultant and therapist, talking with my close friends, and going out dancing all help to relieve stress and tension.

So write about what coping skills you have, which ones you may not need anymore and which ones you want to develop. Mothers of children with Special Needs really need to develop healthy coping skills to keep doing what they are doing. It is a daunting job. Please know that what you do is awesome and draining and tiring and loving.

I’d love you to comment on my blog and let me know how you are coping.