The Language of Love

The 5 Love Languages for Children

Last week someone loaned me this book: The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. I’ve been impressed, and I will share what I’ve gleaned from this very readable, practical and loving little gem of a book. It is helpful for parents of typical children, and may be especially useful for children with special needs.

The 5 Love Languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. While all of them are important, usually, after age 5, one of them becomes primary. Before age 5, use them all generously. Most of us love our children, but sometimes they do not feel our unconditional love. And perhaps it is because we are not showing them our love behaviorally in their primary language. Sometimes, even when we don’t feel loving because of stress, work, a fight with spouse, or any number of other reasons, we can still behave lovingly.

Let’s take them one at a time and I’ll give you some examples from the book, as well as my life and clinical practice with children.

Physical Touch: Hugging, stroking their hair, rubbing their back, playful wrestling, piggy back rides or rides on shoulders, kissing hello and good bye, holding hands, snuggle while watching a movie, allowing or encouraging children to sit on your lap. These are just a few. I’m sure you can think of more.

One of the problems with a child who has touch as a primary love language and doesn’t get it, is that s/he may seek it elsewhere inappropriately. 

And there are children with sensory issues who do not like touch. With them, it is important to respect that and at the same time, find some tolerable way to give them a little. A mother told me once that her daughter really was averse to physical touch. Yet when they watched movies, especially on her computer they would touch their heads together and it felt like the sweetest thing in the world. 

If as a parent you are uncomfortable with touch and your child’s primary love language is touch, it will be important to find some way to touch your child at least once a day and build up from there. It can also be helpful to touch your own skin, rubbing your arm gently, and your shoulders and even your ankle and legs. That will help you become more comfortable with touch.

Words of Affirmation: Telling them something specific that they did and that you really appreciated; putting a word of encouragement or a compliment in their lunchbox, or frame a child’s drawing telling them why it means so much to you. If you have to be out of town, write a note for every day you are away letting the child know you are thinking of them. Be specific with praise (not “what a great picture”.....but rather,  “I love the red in that picture”, or “I get the feeling of movement from how you drew that...how did you do that?” Put a long sheet of butcher paper on the back of their bedroom door and write something complimentary every day about what your child did or said. These words become like deposits in an emotional bank of sorts. And when the going gets rough the child can go to the bank and remember/feel the praise and beautiful effort that the parent recognized and put into words. That can provide emotional support in a dark time.

Quality Time is just what it says: spending time with your undivided attention on your child, talking, laughing, playing. The book has 2 pages of suggestions if you need some ideas. In my practice, I usually recommend scheduled, regular quality time with each child every week. The child will look forward to it and it becomes like sacred time, especially if there is more than one child at home. But even for only children, this time with undivided attention is invaluable. I did this with my daughter for years. It was not an easy task to not use the phone or computer, to not fit in a load of laundry, or to not let anything else get in the way of that 30 minutes once a week. I know she loved it and felt closer to me, but I was amazed at how much closer I felt to her. Actually the first time we did it, a lot of anger came out. She was aggressive with the toys. I asked what she was angry about and it all came tumbling out. It was mostly about the divorce, going back and forth, and how much busier I was. I was able to hear and listen in a way that I hadn’t done as well previously. It became a lovely ritual for us. And in my office, a father told me that when he took his son to the park, he was annoyed that his son kept asking him to play with him. He wanted him to go off and play with the other children. But with some reflection, he could see his son wanted to play with HIM, not anyone else.

Gifts: At first I bristled against this idea. I don’t want children to become entitled or expect gifts constantly. But what I got from this is that sometimes gifts make a child feel special, loved and seen, especially when given unexpectedly. I had a mother who bought her child a small gift every payday. The child loved the gifts and it made her feel loved. You can find a feather and wrap it up or present it in a special box, or gather a bouquet of wild flowers, or dedicate a song to him/her, or buy tickets to a concert that you know h/she will love, or create a treasure hunt with a map to the treasure. It is the surprise of the gift and the knowing what the child likes, that will deepen the love bond between parent and child. There’s nothing like feeling seen!

Acts of Service: One mother told me the best thing she could do for her children was make them a sandwich. Acts of service are times when we do things for our children that we don’t normally do for them, like cleaning their room or doing a chore that is usually theirs. It is also helpful to do acts of service in the community together, like volunteering at a soup kitchen, or donating toys to a shelter.

You have to watch your child carefully to discover which one is their primary love language. Sometimes you can give your child a choice of how to spend time together, offering two from different categories and see which they prefer. For example, “I have some free time tonight. Would you rather watch a movie and snuggle on the couch or go buy you a new pair of tennis shoes?” (Quality time, with physical touch tucked in there, or a gift.)

I highly recommend the book. Speaking your child’s love language can help your child receive on a deeper level the love you have to give.