When Your Child Screams/Curses/Vilifies You

When Your Child Screams/Curses/Vilifies You

First of all, let me clear up some confusion. I have referred to my child as my daughter and then as my son. I have done this to protect my child’s confidentiality. My child does not take well to the idea of me writing about her/him in my blog. Understandable. I am  writing about MY experience both as a mother and a child therapist.  I’ve told my child, s/he should write a blog or response from the child’s perspective. But of course that is not his/her need/desire.  So to protect the confidentiality of my child and clients, I have changed genders frequently. It is too clumsy to keep using s/he.  I hope that helps clarify any confusion. 

This week many parents were struggling with their teenaged and early adult children screaming or swearing or blaming them. It did bring back memories for me of those teen years. Like my son telling the clerk at Safeway loudly that he was only there because I had forced him against his will to come to the store (TRUE....”if you want your own food (read junk food), you have to go to the store with me because I am not buying it for you unless you go”......this was a ploy to get him out of the house....no easy task). Or the time when I forced him to go to the YMCA gym and walk on the treadmill next to me. He announced to all of those in the gym that, “My evil mother is making me do this!” Again, TRUE. My saving grace was one man on the bicycle machine giving me a thumbs up. And then there were the millions of times he called me stupid. “Mom, you are an idiot”. Or, “you really are stupid”.  I truly started to believe I was stupid. It was very disconcerting. You’d think being a child therapist, that I could stop this disrespect. “I can’t find anything! Did you go on a cleaning frenzy?” His disgust and disdain were so hurtful to me; as they are to many parents.

On some level, though, I knew he loved me and was trying to separate and individuate.  

As well as, he could not handle his own sense of failure and inadequacy, so he projected it on to me. I knew I could not get my self esteem and self worth from him. This is so painful especially with a Special Needs child when you feel as though you have dedicated your life to this child to make things work better for them. Whether it be social advocacy, academic advocacy, special food and meals, various treatments of OT, Speech therapy, tutoring, and on and on.....we’ve given our hearts and souls to these children to be as successful as they can be. And then when they turn on us, it feels like a slap in the face....and it stings!

There’s a wonderful (old) book called How to Deal WIth Your Adolescent’s Adolescence by Bayard and Bayard,, a husband and wife who raised a bunch of kids (5 or 6??) They said when you feel that “ZING” from  your teen, that is a cue to do something nice for yourself. Awesome! Such good advice! Difficult to do, but if you don’t take care of yourself and you wait for your teen to give you something back, you will surely be resentful and depleted.

And when you are in that state, you are likely to say mean and hurtful things. I know this feels like a double standard when I say that the teens get to individuate and say hurtful things, but we need to stay strong and resilient and not retaliate. Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, Kind. Unfortunately, our harsh words, even in the midst of emotional upheaval, stay with them for years. They imprint in a most harmful way. I remember my mother telling/cursing me in anger, saying “I hope you have 3 kids just like you!” She was mad at me; but that was so hurtful to me. I knew she was hating me and cursing me.

And when I didn’t want to clean my room, she said, “ I hate to think what your house will look like when you grow up.” It stuck. I can’t leave my house now, without making my bed, vacuuming, and washing the dishes. Somehow the thought of someone seeing my house in disarray haunts/shames me. Not a relaxed way to live.

One more thought, here.....So how do we handle the hurtful hurtling words that come at us. We do NOT take the bait. Don’t respond in the moment. Walk away. Let your child know you are taking a time out or a break and when they want to speak with you rationally about an issue you will be there. When things are calm (enough), you can let them know that those things are really hurtful.....but don’t expect an apology....just state the fact. And then go to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group and let it all out. Get some commiseration and a reality check. Don’t vilify your child back. This too shall pass.

How To Give Your Child Something You Never Got

How To  Give Your Child Something You Never Got.....

I realized that it would be difficult to give your child something you never got way before I had children. But I didn’t understand the emotionality of that until I had my son. I worked with parents and children for years before I gave birth. I remember a parent telling me poignantly about how hard it was for her to buy her daughter a new coat. Money was not an issue, nor was the style or color of the coat. It was that she had only gotten “used” clothing as a child and would have been admonished severely for asking for a “new” coat. It would have been seen as asking for too much, even inappropriate. When her daughter requested a new coat, at first her mother bristled with the child’s seemingly materialistic, self indulgent attitude. Having the good sense to be reflective about her internal reaction, she discussed it with me and we discovered that her prickly response was about giving her daughter something she never had and was not “allowed” to ask for. Difficult, indeed. But, upon examination, there was nothing wrong with her daughter’s request. The mother could deny the request upon principle. Or she could reflect and see that it almost made her a bit envious to give her daughter something she never had. Or she could get to a bigger, stronger, wiser, kinder place and experience the joy of giving her daughter something that both she and her daughter wanted. Giving the coat to her daughter brought up in her that she, herself, as a young girl, was not wrong or bad for wanting something new, even if her parents tried to make her feel that way. Working together she and I got to see that sharing a need and vulnerability without judgement can increase closeness in a relationship regardless of the material  outcome.

It is everything we can do NOT to say, “Boy, when I was your age, I never would have expected, much less asked for, a new jacket just because I wanted a different color or style of jacket. We couldn’t afford that and we made due with what the Salvation Army had to offer.” The good old days, right? But you can see, can’t you, that this is a shaming response. Like our child is bad for wanting something. Or is it that we make them into greedy monsters because we had to suppress our own wants so much. And so we pass on the guilt for asking.

Being attuned does NOT mean giving in or lavishing our children with “things”. It does NOT mean let them rule the roost or get everything they want. Somehow it does seem that when they want something we don’t want to give them for whatever reason, be it materially or emotionally, that we make them wrong or bad or guilty or selfish. Perhaps this is to deflect our own guilt when we disappoint them, or to protect us from feeling inadequate, or to avoid our own deeper feelings of despair that we did not get what we needed as children. So instead of us being able to bear the child’s disappointment with regulated equanimity i.e. “I’m sorry you are disappointed, honey. I know how much you want that. But the answer is no”. We are tempted to respond with defensiveness and judgement i.e. “I can’t believe you are asking for that. You are always wanting something more! Seriously? It’s never enough for you”. What does this teach our child?

We are miscueing them to not ask via shame, teaching them to act like they don’t want something because it makes us (parents) uncomfortable. 

And what else is going on with this discomfort inside ourselves? I think the discomfort triggers our own sadness about not being attended to emotionally by our parents when we were small. Something we might not be immediately conscious of, but might be still operating.

 My son did not want to play soccer. I kept making him practice in the back yard with me, like I was encouraged to practice. He can’t be a quitter. Just get out there and practice. Yes, I pushed him, the way I was pushed. All I heard were excuses and I wanted to instill in him to keep at it, even when it was hard. I thought I could “will” him to be coordinated, never imagining that he might have sensory issues making this impossible. Then one day, I asked him why he could kick the ball with me in the back yard, but on the soccer field he was climbing the net and sometimes even sitting down picking daisies way in the back. He said, “With you, it is just you and me and you wouldn’t hurt me. But how would you like it if you were on the field and you saw 16 arms and legs come kicking at you and you knew that the ball could hit you in the stomach hard and knock the breath out of you?”  Whoa! That was a visual for me. I felt horrible and instantly got it that this child was terrified to be out there. And I was over-riding his fear and need for safety with my narcism....needing to have him be athletic and coordinated.....something I learned from my parents, but something he was not. What if I could have felt loved for just being who I was regardless of how I performed? Wow! Did I ever want my son to feel that. Loved for who he is, not for his performance. I took him out of soccer that week.

I needed to recognize who my son was in his own right. He was not like me or his father (both of us athletes in our childhood and adolescence). He was different and his needs were valuable and essential to who he was. Athleticism was not his deal. If I had not recognized that, I might not have been able to support him in becoming his own person. By the way, he is an incredible artist. Neither myself nor his father can even draw a good stick figure.

Most of the principles in this article/blog are from The Circle of Security Intervention book by Bert Powell, Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman, and Bob Marvin. I was trained to do this parent intervention program a couple of yeas ago by Kent Hoffman and I am going to an advanced training next week. So more on this in April when I return.

The Trajectory

The Trajectory

Getting the diagnosis of your Special Needs child, whether it be Autism, 

Asperger’s,Syndrome, Bi-Polar Disorder, ADHD(attention deficit disorder with or without hyperactivity), Cerebral Palsy, Down’s syndrome, Lyme disease, Reactive Attachment Disorder or any other disorder/disease/syndrome is a double edged sword. At first, we usually don’t want to hear that anything is “wrong” with our child. We may feel devastated, confused, depressed. Sometimes we go into denial and don’t believe the diagnosing person is correct. Sometimes we are relieved to have a label; and the understanding that can come from that is helpful. And of course, most of the time we go through all those feeling states many times throughout the child’s life....despair, understanding, acceptance, worried sick, hopeful, and back to despair depending on the day.

In the beginning, parents begin the huge undertaking of educating themselves about what is going on with their child. It is a daunting task. What therapies/medicines will really help?  There are so many choices to make. I wish there were manuals with decision trees to guide us. Or that there were a specific place that we parents could go to consult experts. But often it is word of mouth. Even pediatricians don’t always know what or whom to recommend. When I consulted my wonderful pediatrician (I really did like him!) about certain behaviors that were of concern to me, he told me there could be nothing wrong with my daughter because she was reading at age 3. Little did we know at the time that hyperlexia (reading very early) can be a symptom of Asperger’s. I often find that Mothers “know” when something just isn’t quite right, and I’ve seen so many of them having to figure out what to do by doing their own extensive research. You go, Moms!

The thing is, that this is ongoing. Each stage of development brings new challenges and dilemmas. I once talked with a mother who had a child with Cerebral Palsy and brain damage. She told me that when her daughter was diagnosed and she was told that her daughter would not progress much beyond a two year old level, she thought to herself that she had wanted a baby for so long that having a baby forever might not be so bad. I spoke with her when her daughter was 4. The mother was still having to dress her daughter and change her diapers everyday. The drooling was constant. This mother was weary and she had a very different perspective on having a forever baby. 

This week in our support group, the topic was worry.  Four of our Moms were sick with worry about violent episodes their sons and daughters had been having.  They were worried about their own safety, that of other family members and their child’s future. How do you hold this? You want to believe that it is an isolated event and won’t happen again. But then, it does. Whom do you consult about this? Once again, you have to do your own research and find the best therapist and/or psychiatrist you can for therapy and medication. Many parents do NOT want to medicate their child..... until they get to the point of violence. How can these Mothers get out from the constant worry to find some solace, some peace, some hope, some little joy? We know that stress causes disease and illness. They fear for their own health. 

Many Mothers tell me that since their child has been diagnosed, they have made it their full time job to “help” their child. They don’t know anything else. That is actually why I believe support groups (and hopefully this blog) for these Mothers are essential. They have to have some sacred space to tend to themselves, their hearts, their souls. A place for their tears and despair. A place for them to say how bad it really is and have every other mother nod knowingly. You are not alone, even though you probably feel that way. We other Mothers are out here struggling, too.

One last note. There comes a time when your Special Needs child will be an adult. And then we need to figure out what we can control and what we cannot. What do we need to accept and let our child struggle through to find his/her own way? The worry doesn’t stop, but the child no longer will do what we say or recommend. That is a difficult process to bear.

So, I urge you to find something for just YOU no matter what is going on with your child. It will benefit everyone in your family for you to have something that makes you feel better. I’d love to hear from others how you are claiming something for your heart and soul.

Anxiety/Worry/Stress

I was thinking about writing this blog piece on WORRY since it is universal to moms, especially Mothers of Children with Special Needs. And I’ve always wondered why my daughter has SO much anxiety and worry when I thought I had provided her with a secure and loving childhood, even though I was stressed and anxious.  Granted, I thought she inherited it from me (and her father....both of us anxiety ridden); but today in the NYT I read an article on inheriting stress BEFORE the child is conceived.....http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/09/opinion/sunday/can-children-inherit-stress.html?ref=todayspaper. You can biologically inherit your parent’s stress before conception. Amazing! Maybe I did.

But that is beside the point really. Because I am talking about the worry that we Mothers experience in relation to our children. Another article I read today is about whose worry is it.......http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/07/whose-anxiety-is-it/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0 Just thought you may be able to relate.

I may have said this before, but raising a child with Special Needs is like driving a car in the dark without any headlights. No maps, no models, no two children alike, no answers. We make it up as we go along, trying to follow our child’s needs whenever possible, but taking charge when necessary. Easier said than done.

 Both are difficult. Following their needs can be an overwhelming, an all consuming chore...not exactly a labor of love when you feel suffocated and exhausted. When do we listen to their fears and anxiety and allow them to remain in our protective emotional embrace keeping them safe? We want to do this because their terror compels us to. But how do we do this when we are running on empty? And how do we know if doing this is keeping them dependent on us far longer than is healthy for their own development and individuation to proceed? 

And what if their needs (for love and secure attachment) are masked by oppositional defiant behavior? How do we discern what is needed.....and how do we give it to them when they are furiously pushing us away. What will become of them as adults? Will we have helped to create a human being who contributes to society, or one who is a threat to society?

We know/suspect that they need to grow and expand and face their fears, whether it is fear to go out and meet the world or fear of loving and being loved.   But WHEN?? And HOW? The fine line is between holding them and pushing them. Or between limits and nurturing. This creates worry and uncertainty. It also begets guilt and self blame. If I had only.....I wish I had.....I should have....Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Is it all my fault?

How in God’s name do we contain our own anxiety as we witness our beloved children struggling so? Here is one answer: By being connected to those who understand. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to help Mothers stay sane in this worry wracked predicament. I want to reach out to each and every mother and tell her I know this journey is emotionally torturous. I feel your pain. And here are some things you can do.

1. Find a support group or another Mom who understands 
2. Carve out 30 minutes a day to NOT worry...or limit your worry to 30 minutes a day
3. Get in touch with your WISE self....a la the Serenity Prayer.....Give me the serenity to accept with serenity the things that canNOT be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the WISDOM to distinguish one from the other.

Find the balance. It is impossible to stop the worry. But can we allow ourselves to access our wisdom? If you can find an image, or images that represent your wisdom, 

put them somewhere easily accessible to comfort you, when worry overwhelms you.

What Does My Soul Need?

What does my soul need today? 

Wow! isn’t that an awesome question to begin a day with?

I can only do that because my Special Needs Child is launched and in a relatively stable place today. Thank God! I was not sure I would ever be able to say that earlier. And I do Thank God every day for the blessing that she is.

 When we are in the midst of navigating emotional needs, emotional meltdowns, IEPs (Individualized Education Plan), physical needs such as illness, surgery, or eating disorders; out of home placement possibilities, outrageous belligerent behavior, sleeplessness on our part from worry and anxiety or our child’s refusal to sleep alone, school refusal, problems with addiction, problems with full blown anxiety panic attacks, and on and on;  and in addition, balancing the needs of everyone else in the family, do we make the time to think about ourselves, to think about what our soul needs today? Not usually.

If I’ve learned anything myself after all these 26 years of parenting my beloved daughter, and from the past 3 or 4 years of meeting weekly with the group of Moms who have Children with Special Needs, it is that our SELF CARE is essential to being able to be there for those who need and depend on us. I know all the excuses by heart. I am too busy, I have no disposable income, I can’t find the time, I can’t even remember who I am, let alone get in touch with my soul. And still, I know that if we don’t do this we are at risk for a life filled with anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, sadness, and depression.

So I ask you to ask yourself, “What does my soul need?” Write about it, draw about it, collage about it, talk about it with a trusted friend, dream about it, actively imagine it, dance about it, mull it over while you garden, read inspirational poetry, anything to get that concept/idea/gold nugget blossoming in you. Even for just today.

I learned two things about this from a wise mentor/spiritual guide a few years ago. He said that we need to create a time and a space where we will focus on this every week.  Mine was Saturday mornings for 2 hours at my home desk/altar. I created a beautiful small space around my desk with cards from people I love, pictures of people and spiritual goddesses, places in nature, cut out words of wisdom that I collaged, and candles. It was my soul sanctuary. I’m hoping you will create one for you my dear, special mothers and sisters.

I have many ideas and suggestions, but only you can find what it is your soul needs. 

I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about this.